Wednesday Wanks

My neighbor shared the following story with me the other day about sumthin that happened to him last summer.

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a very dry martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.

This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I
said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn…
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Here be a little sumthin different fer Y'all.


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Golf is easy!


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Unbelievable!! This is our illustrious Senator frum New York, liberal Chuck Schumer. He has no idea what the three branches of government are. He says at 1:38 into the video that the three branches are the HOUSE, SENATE and WHITE HOUSE....WTF!!??


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"Dapper Dan" said; "Cookie, That "Jesus" one's a keeper. Joyce got a kick out of it, too. And that deer/dog video is unbelievable. I'll be forwarding that one on to my youngest grandson."

Tuesday Tidbits.

Some motivational posters fer ya.




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Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When
He bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying
to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you
like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed
he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$50. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house
at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $50 - they went to
the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from
work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by
the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly
asked, 'And did he give you $50?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
in fact he did give me $50.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $50 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me
back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

Gotta THANK; "Charlie the Cop" fer that one.
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First grade assignment: Draw what your mother does for a living.

First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.



The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male

customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

THANKS "SUBVET"

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...and before there was "RADAR", we had these.












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COMMENTS:

"Dapper Dan" said; "Great funnies this morning, Cookie! I really like that "poker" joke and if I can remember it, will tell it to a friend of mine (he loves to play poker) the next time I see him. Those photos at the end of the post are wild. All of them seem to be designed to physically enhance a sentry's hearing capabilities."

Monday madness.

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Just take 5 minutes and watch this video. This professor really puts things in proper perspective.


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A new Speed Control device. Love it!


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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"
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COMMENTS:

"The Chief" said; "Did you go to your class reunion? Or was it a family reunion?"

"Dapper Dan" said; "I just got time to listen to the Patriot prof's comments on Obama's suit against the state of Arizona and it's strong immigration law. A powerful message, forcefully delivered. I may have to steal this one Cookie, with a link of course!"

Sunday Sundries. UPDATE!

Well Sir, here be a couple of pix of "The Chief", a dyed in the wool, staunch "cheesehead" Packers fan. We generally don't agree with each other too much (thats what makes it interesting), but on this point, we are both Packers fans.




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S'more photygraffs of the Wal-Martians. Hope these don't ruin yur Sunday dinners!







Holy Cow! She's got another ass in front!




Hey! Lets have a picnic!




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Mens version of "The Antiques Road Show".


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Mens first sexual experience.

Try this: Pretend there are two dice on your computer keyboard.

Got the picture?

Good.

Now, pick up one of them and imagine you see the spots.

What number is it?

Did the number remind you of your first sexual experience?

No, probably not.

Now put down that die and pick up the other one and look at the spots.

How many do you see?

What's the number?

Did THAT make you think of your first sexual experience?

I suppose it didn't.

Now pick up both the dice and shake them in your hand.

Are you shaking them?

Good.

I bet THAT reminds you of your first sexual experience!
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"Right" vs "Left"

Finally an answer that makes sense.

I have often wondered why the conservatives are called the "right" and the liberals are called the "left." By chance, I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:

Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left ."

Hmmm, I guess that sums it up pretty well...

YOU CAN'T HAVE A BETTER REFERENCE SOURCE THAN STRAIGHT TEXT FROM THE BIBLE!
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Just one Kiss before you jump!

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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COMMENTS:

Vigilis said; "Cookie, are these Wal Marts supposed to be in the U.S.?

I am fairly certain the women in some of these photos could be detained by authorities for exposures like that in any of the 4 closest Wal Marts around here."

Dapper Dan said; "Have a super Sunday, Cookie. Boy, those Wal Martians do look a little like aliens, don't they?
Re: why Left is used to refer to a cetain group in politics. Found this online somewhere; I think it explains a lot of the left's philosophies:
In some cultures it is impolite to touch your food with your left hand for the simple reason that you use your right hand for clean tasks such as eating and the left hand for unclean tasks such as wiping yourself after going to the bathroom.

"The Chief said; "I don't think it was very nice of you... putting my cheesy pics up there with all them fat chicks. How could you be sooooo cruel?"

COOKIE said; Very easily.

Hmmm, I never knew this!

The REAL "Rambo".


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Ya gotta watch our fer them thar foreign statue's.


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The new "Parental Control" system fer those of you have young kids or curious teens.


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With all the snowy and cold weather we've been have'n, here's one woman's "secret"!!


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Hmmmm, after watch'n this, I guess I'll have to re-evaluate just what I am.....

ADULT CONTENT AHEAD!!


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....and in closing....

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
His body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
Obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[ Now don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.]
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COMMENTS:

Dapper Dan said; "Finally a parental control that means business! That Lesbian/Cowboy video was great and I'm still laughing about old Billy Bob's slight hearing problem. At least it was a John Deere instead of one of those Kobutas."

Truth be told.....Weather UPDATE!

"Biggest storm of the year", was, at least fer us lucky folks here in Upstate, NY a....

DUD!!!



Went t'bed around 1 AM and it was in fact start'n to snow & blow pretty hard, but upon get'n up this morn found almost no snow or ice accumulation. HOOOORAH!! We dodged one....at least fer now!
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What's really behind this Time Magazine cover.....




Hat Tip: The Cumberland Post.
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COMMENTS:

"Dapper Dan" said; "Cookie, Thanks for the hat tip. The original cover is disgusting to me but the behind the scenes take on it made me feel a lot better! Stay warm up there in the frozen north buddy."

"Sig" said; "Same here Cookie. After all the hype I felt like climbing up on the roof and yelling, "Is that the best ya got?!"

Wednesday Wanks.

Hmmm, we here in Upstate NY got the exact same Weather Alert this morning.


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DAMN! I just looked outside this morning, grabbed my digital camera and took a photygraff, and here be what it looks like....


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Here's your "Hippy-Dippy Weather Man's" Forecast.


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Commercials just keep get'n better & better....

Thanks "Chief"!!


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Hmmmm, most interesting UFO footage over Jeruselem ?? Not a Joke. What's your take?

"Initially Jerusalemites didn't consider it strange, but soon the shining ball started moving over the old city and the Western Wall and especially over the Temple Mount. Suddenly it descended and stopped over the Western Wall / Temple Mount. "It was like the ball stopped at the Western Wall, left a prayer note there and returned to the skies", a witness said."



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For all you golf fans

A man entered the bus with both of his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
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Well Sir, this here video is make'n the rounds on the net yesterday & today, so if'n y'all haven't seen it yet, here t'is. Again, No Joke!

Planned Parenthood Exposed.


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Confusion in the Military!!

Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly
in the Military,

No more don't ask don't tell.

But what has he really done, but cause more confusion in the ranks.

Just for a moment, imagine yourself in a combat situation.

The enemy is firing at you, rapidly advancing on your position,

The guy next to you is openly gay.

Suddenly, someone yells out

"Shoot the cocksucker!"

Now do you see the confusion?
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COMMENTS:

SoCalPal said; "As usual Cookie...You have sooo many items worthy of comment but I'll limit myself to one, Planned Parenthood. What a 'sub-human' organization they really are with their 'Final Solution' platform!

I'm not sure which I find more disturbing.... Planned Parenthood's barbaric attitude toward life or the fact that so many misguided souls financialy support them."

"The Chief" said; "Instead of Planned Parenthood, we oughta just squirt some Crazy Glue on the insides of women's thighs and press 'em together. Overpopulation problem solved. Next?"

Cookie said; and I'll bet you wanna be the one doin the squirt'n!

A small request fer Y'all! Second Tuesday post.

Hey Mates! I just learned sumthin bout an old blogging buddy of mine, "Dapper Dan" who is the purveyor of "The Cumberland Post". Recently, his wife Joyce underwent major surgery for cancer and has just started Chemo-Therapy treatments. I know we all would appreciate it if'n those who are inclined, would say a few prayers for her safe and full recovery from this scourge of the 20th/21st century.

I'm sure Dan and Joyce would also enjoy it if'n ya stopped by his blog ever now and agin and said Hey! BTW, Dan is a retired college professor and, most importantly, a "Recovering Liberal", having stopped drinking that brand of "cool-aid" back in "02". BTW "Dan", if'n I haven't said it afore, welcome to the Light mate!

Sadly, another friend of mine, Liz, who resides out in Jesse James's old stompin grounds out in Missourri has also just begun Chemo. Cookie would really appreciate it if y'all could find a moment to pray fer both of these two good folks and their loved ones!

THANKS MATES!!
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I've always believed that "Laughter is one of the Best Medicines", and that's just one of several reasons why I try to post humor on this blog as much as possible. Just watching the evening news can depress the live'n hell outta ya, let alone all the various other blogs that post nuthin but politics and world events all day long. Sure, it's good to keep abreast of current events and situations, BUT DON'T MAKE IT A STEADY DIET!

Nuff Said!
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Well Sir, like Obama said during his campaign, I guess this Cookie is gonna"cling to my guns and religion!"

Some motivational posters that'll give ya some food fer thought..







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...and my buddy "The Chief", who's an avid, dyed in the wool Packers fan just sent me this jewel!

A Green Bay Packers Fan baby

A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a Chicago bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"...Had him circumcised!"


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COMMENTS:

"The Chief" said; "I love visiting a class blog. But, are you sure... you're not a Pittsburgh Stealers' fan?"

Cookie said; "Nope. As much as it pains me to side with you about anything **sigh**, I'm a Packers fan."

"Chief" said; "I kinda figured you might jump on our wagon, so we put on some heavy duty springs. Now, we gotta get one of those lifts, to help you aboard...!"

Cookie; "Actually, been on that wagon for a great many years." If' I had known you where on it also, I probably woulda gone over to the Steelers just to be contrare."

"Dapper Dan" said; "Cookie, Joyce and I both thank you and your blogging mates for your prayers. She's got a long road ahead but is one tough lady with a strong will. We have faith that she's going to lick this thing. Thanks also for the link to the Cumberland Post. I really like all these anti gun control pics in today's post and I just might borrow one or two, but I'll be sure to tell where I found them. Thanks again."

Cookie; You are most welcome Dan and may God speed Joyce in her recovery!