Tuesday Tidbits.....

Well Sir, as much as I hate to admit it, sometimes that cantankerous old Gyrene "The Chief" does come up with sumthin good. Yesterday he sent me this novel idea the Danes have come up with fer Traffic Control. **Sigh**, I shoulda stayed on the Police Force.

PARTIAL NUDITY AHEAD!!


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AN IRISH GHOST STORY (To get you warmed up for March 17.)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John
looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started
to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a
hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And
wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other....

Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we
was pushing it!!!!'
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José and Carlos are beggars.

They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as José, but collects only about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.

José brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to José, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

José says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos reads his sign: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says José.

Carlos says, "All right, what is on your sign?"

José shows him:


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G-D, I hope I never get this bad.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............



"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


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Hmmm, think I'll make this fer din-din t'night! Latest news from Libya.

Well Sir, here be a dish Cookie has never made so I think I'll be doing this fer dinner tonight or t'morrow.


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Latest news from Libya

Subject: Latest news from Libya

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

If I hear anything else, You'll be the first to know!
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A guy named Jim McBride walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Seattle ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Seattle ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the man "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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A call to the Sportsman's' Hotline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the boatshed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
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Gotta Thanks "Fish" frum Kentucky and my old Seabee buddy "FishinMagician" fer those two jokes.
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COMMENTS:

"Dapper Dan" said; "Great jokes today, Cookie. And that bacon carbonara sounds and looks delicious...I gotta try that too. I just subscribed to that guys channel on my YouTube account. Thanks for that link, even though I'll probably put on ten more pounds!"

COOKIE said; If'n ya put on ten more pounds mate, yur gonna wind up look'n like Cookie.

Sunday. A great post and "The Ultimate Cruise!"

My "buddy" "the Chief" recently busted Cookie's nuts (after I nicely asked him not to BTW) by posting a certain photygraff in one of his recent posts. Since he doesn't want to play nice, and I'm sure he knows there will always be payback from Cookie, I thought I'd share a personal and private story he confided in me some time back about.....

My first Condom by "The Mohawk Chieftain"

"I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of
condoms at Bolger's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a
store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there
was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Dolores) knew what they were
for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was
really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked
if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see
if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?'
She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth
open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was
slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a
desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer
hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on Chief?" she
asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to understand."



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WOW!! My wife and I have been very fortunate over the years to be able to take several cruises to various places on the planet, Alaska, East and West Caribbean, Hawaii, Mexico to name a few, but this...

is without a doubt THE ABSOLUTE ULTIMATE CRUISE fer this old Sailor and his wife!!

...and it's very affordable. I'm sure there are quite a few of y'all who'd absolutely enjoy the hell outta this cruise, especially all you old Gyrene's, Seabee's and just about any old Military folks!! Bring the kids, they'd have one hell of a time also.

Sponsored by "Somali Coast Adventures"

Seriously! Check it out!!
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My friend Richard from Kentucky sent me this and I really liked it. It sums up quite a few of my feelings regarding the present state of our country.

THE FORGOTTEN MAN. by Jon McNaughton.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KGlBHyVeYU

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Raed the Signs and follow directions;


Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.

It will be named the “Union Worker”.



It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

Gotta Thank Patrick fer that one.
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COMMENTS:

"Dapper Dan" said; "Re the Chief's incident: They say experience is the best teacher!
The piece on the artist is fascinating and the painting captures what most of us feel about the lunkhead in office now.
The one about the signs reminded me of a story about the college where I worked for many years. The prez was an animal lover and any stray dog who came on campus was welcomed with food, shelter, etc. Naturally, the dogs stayed. They (about 5 or 6 of them) liked to roam around all over campus but their homebase was the student center/cafeteria. They got to be a nuisance around the food, etc. and after awhile someone complained to the health dept. After that a sign was put up at the cafeteria door which read, "Dogs: Keep Out of Cafeteria!" I guess the thinking was that these were college dogs."

COOKIE said; No offense meant Dan but that is the kind of thing I have come to expect out of academia.

"Dapper Dan" said; "No offense taken, Cookie. I definitely agree."

"The Chief" said; "I can't understand why you keep tellin' folks about my life experiences. I couldn't help it that the condom was too damned small. If the clerk had read the disclaimer, she'd have seen that it said "For Naval personnel use, only. Size: Teenie-Weinie".

COOKIE said; Ahhhem. I guess you fergot mate that the Marine Corps is part of the Navy Department making you (and your ilk) "Naval Personnel", and I don't think it was the condom that "was too damned small".

Saturday.....a couple of important heads ups, and some funnies.

BOHICA!!! Fucking Pelosi and crew!! Wait'll y'all watch this!!



Please sign Congresswoman Bachmann's petition to defund this theft of our money!

BTW, fer those of ya not in the know, BOHICA is an old Military acronym for "BEND OVER HERE IT COMES AGAIN!"
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From time to time, this old warrior has to go down to the VA Hospital in Syracuse and receive various treatment(s). As of these past few years whereas I used to see WWII, Korean War and Vietnam vets in the waiting room also there for their treatments, I increasingly see so many young disabled Vets from the Gulf War(s), Iraq and Afghanistan, most with missing limbs. Sad.

Yesterday, while visiting two feller bloggers, "SubVet" and "Dapper Dan", I was made aware of something new that our illustrious(and useless) politicians are considering and that is making our service personnel pay more for their health care. BULLSHIT! They get ALL their Health Care and that of their family's paid on our dime!!

Our military folks have paid a high enough price for defending our country. Please take a moment and visit "SubVet" to get further details. He has a great suggestion at the end of his post.



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OK, On a much lighter note, take a gander at this facebook entry. **Click To Enlarge** to read second entry.

You need to read the messages below the photo.

...and my neighbor Cletus learned that too much beer makes yur penis fall off!

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The Montana Rancher.

The Montana Department of Labor claimed a small Victor Rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Mt. Govt agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Rancher: Well, there's my first hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Mt. Govt agent: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Rancher: That would be me.
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Out of the mouths of babes....

I was eating lunch today with my 14 year old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...

He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."
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Saved the best for last, THE COWBOY CODE of HONOR! Thanks to The Cumberland Post.

1. Live each day with courage.
2. Take pride in your work.
3. Always finish what you start.
4. Do what has to be done.
5. Be tough but fair.
6. When you make a promise, keep it.
7. Ride for the brand.
8. Talk less and say more.
9. Remember that some things aren't for sale.
10. Know where to draw the line.

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COMMENTS:

"SubVet" said; "Hey Cookie, thanks for the referral. Great post too."

"Dapper Dan" said; "Thanks for the link, Cookie. The $105 billion Bachman is talking about was probably buried in some obscure part of the 2000 page monstrosity of a bill that no one read.
Maybe that girl in the picture needs to be connected to that guy who drank too much beer--I'm thinking there could be some kind of surgery that would make them both happy and...that guy could keep on chugging his beer.
Great jokes. Got a kick out of that one where the little boy surprises with his line about Obama. Out of the mouths of babes..."

Some cop humor, and a blonde joke.

Gotta give a big THANKS to "Charlie The Cop" from Chicago fer sending me this one.

Having been in Law Enforcement for 21 years I've seen first hand the horrible job Corrections Officers have in prisons and jails throughout this country, and you couldn't get me to do this job for any amount of money. Here be some Corrections Officer humor.

"The CO Song"

BLUtube is powered by PoliceOne.com
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A blonde joke!


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COMMENTS:

Dapper Dane said; "Cookie, I'm with you. I wouldn't want that CO job for any amount of money. Those are the government workers that ought to be getting a raise!
That Kelly Pickler clip is really funny. I sometimes wonder though if she's not smarter than we think. She's playing dumb blond role to perfection and it's giving her a fat bank account."

Tuesday ....

I was just over at "The Chief's" blog and part of his post was about the movie "Cat Ballou", and it reminded me of a song I've always liked from that movie, "I was born under a wander'n star", sung by (of all people) Lee Marvin. Here t'is....


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...and a tribute to recently departed Jane Russell. "Bottons and Bows".


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COMMENTS:

"SigBoy40" said; "Cookie,
I believe that 'Wandrin' Star' was from Paint Your Wagon. It was required viewing growing up in my Fathers house. So much so that had signs made up for hunting camp, It said "No Name City, Pop. Hunting"

COOKIE; Yupper, I stand corrected. It was "Paint Your Wagon".

"SoCalPal" said; "Cookie: It you get a chance rent or borrow of Paint Your Wagon, it's Lee Marvin at his irascible best. Great movie, especially Lee's line at the start of the show when Lee discovers a wagon that had fallen off a cliff:
Settler in Wagon Train to Lee: 'Are they dead?'
Lee's responce to Settler: "Well they'd better be cause I'm a burying them!"
Classic Lee Marvin.....What a talent he was and a Marine to boot."

Dapper Dan said; "Sorry I haven't stopped by lately, Cookie, been a little busy. Looks like this was the right time though. That Lee Marvin clip is outstanding. And Jane Russell. What a beauty. I liked Marilyn okay back in my teen years in the '50s but she had a soft kind of beauty. I always preferred Russell's edgier, sultrier(?) appeal. Russell and Katy Juardo (remember her?), another brunette, were at the top of my list.

The Chief said; "If something ain't true, hell... just make it up! Shame on you. Next thing I know, you're gonna post a video of Lee Marvin singing that old standard: "Bubblhead Blues". ;)