Friday, January 04, 2008

Friday Funnies......

Womens Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'l l make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Men's Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

Hmmm...not sure if I'd feel comfortable usin this here product....

Gorilla Snot

Gorilla Snot is a gripping aid. It has been developed by and for professionals who demand flexibility, functionality, and efficiency in the tools of their trade. A non-gooey, naturally refined tree rosin, Gorilla Snot reacts with your body's natural chemistry and heat output to retain a steady grip on picks drumsticks, bows, and any other hard to grip instruments.

....and just gotta have a Blonde Joke every now and agin....

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to
the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you
two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who
plants the trees called in sick.'

Six Affairs.....

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One

day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM . The man

hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his

shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife

demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an

affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She

looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying jerk!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always

talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and

delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to

the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the

ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's

no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two !

beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling

around be hind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and

replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body

of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling

discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever

seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I

can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive

private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he

removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his

wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she

heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said,

"stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell

you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?"

the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a

statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when

they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to

the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "

Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that

for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer

Certainly Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man

exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a

nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine? "A nickel," the

barman replied. "A nickel? " exclaimed the man. "Where's the

guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs,

with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with

your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here!"

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up

and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's

no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to

die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison

A big Thanks to both "Charlie the Cop" and Susan Gertson fer sendin me these....