Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fractured Funnies....

Well Sir...I think Y'all will really get a kick outta this here all to short video....


New from Apple Computers....

Apple Computers announced today that it has
developed a new chip device that can store
and play music in women’s breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $500 and $600.

This new device is considered a major break-
through because women have historically
complained about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, both genders can now be happier!


...and if'n yur a Golfer...y'all will love these...

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a
Policeman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Policeman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman yelled out 'Get moving, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper, maybe
he can do something about this'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my

ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything
he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to
the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Policeman said, 'Why the fuck don't they play at night?'

Subject: Golf Jokes

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular,
your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks,
"What are you going to use on this
hole my son? "

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my
church when we pray, we keep our head down"


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her,
hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times
just put me down for a five."


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and
his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening
between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked,
you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two,
didn't I?"


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to
take all day, is it?"


(or the uncertainty of the English language)


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name!


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.


Well Sir...we all have t'learn t'deal with some dissapointment frum time t'time...


Gotta give a big Cookshack Thanks to both "Charlie the Cop" and Susan Gertson fer sendin these along to us....