Sunday Sundries, and "Wives"...

Children In Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, 'I was being the Ring Bear.'
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One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was 'acting up' during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, 'Pray for me! Pray for me!'
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One particular four-year old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
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A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, 'It's Adam's suit'.
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, 'If he gets loose, will he hurt us?'
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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.' 'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.'
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,'No, how are we alike? ''You're both old,' he replied..
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, 'Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin.
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one .. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, 'Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior... Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
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Now Sir...there be some real and valid truths here.....

Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous
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The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas
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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud
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'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous
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'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison
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'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra
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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous
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First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous