Ah Mondays....a mite early...

I've had a rough day. I rear-ended a car and then I got in a fight.

I was on my way to the post office to mail a payment for my lapsed car insurance,
when I rear-ended the car in front of me. The car I hit was a brand new Lexus.

What a disaster. The driver got out. He was a dwarf.

I thought to myself, "Can this possibly get any worse?"

After looking at his crunched-up bumper, he looked at me and said, "I am
NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.

It's been a REALLY bad day.
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You Got To Love the Irish!

A concert in Ireland

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop clapping, ya fooking asshole!"
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AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

"If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed."
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
_______________________________

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.

My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview . She is now a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance' and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for
President?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation.
_________________________________

Native American Observation (Unfortunately...this says it all)

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the
President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where
did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly
replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes,
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, at night woman was at his side for
all his needs."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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....and me personally...I think I'd love to see Michael Vick in a game with the "Detroit Dogs".....