Monday Magic & Mania...

OK...Y'all tell me how the hell he does this...!!!


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Now Sir, although "Charlie The Cop" frum Chi-Town sent us most of todays chuckles, I think it should be obvious that the first set of jokes are fer the women-folk out there and were sent to us frum a woman... Thanks "Nedgar"...

The Why's of Men?

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(They don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(They don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(Don't know.....it never happened)


(C'mon guys, we laugh at your Blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

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One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
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Subject: Never ASSUME

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them
was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They
tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
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Supposedly a True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
Hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
Wedding Ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
Jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.
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Some Rodney Dangerfield one liners....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
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THE THREE NUNS....



THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"


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