The Cook Shack--Gab & Grub: Some Oldies BUT Goodies....

Subject: When you open your mouth, sometimes ***

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a
few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me
forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that
if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of t he bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard! when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she
was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny , did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true
story..

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that
8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

___________________________

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT !!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot
replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - We Men just don't listen!
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Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: READ SLOWLY

1) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

2) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6) He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14) Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

15) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19) What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

22) Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23) Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24) Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
_______________________________

Nominated as the best short joke so far this year....

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking
bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...and the first runner up was:

Two women were sitting together, quietly.
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...and...take a gander at this.....