Tuesday, March 04, 2008

"Y'all knew they were comin....."

Well Sir...as me good buddy Patrick said to me as he sent me some of these jokes..."Y'all knew they were coming."...

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" J amie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you,

He must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

" So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim..Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

...and here be a fine Irish joke I've been a tellin fer years....

Colleen was a fine attractive Irish lass, and at age 16...she marries Patrick. She has 4 kids by Patrick, but alas, Patrick catches the Flu one winter and passes on.

Now Sir...Colleen, being as attractive as she is, quickly gets re-married to Shamus. She has another 4 kids by Shamus, but, Shamus was a member of the IRA and while making a bomb one day, accidentally blew himself up.

Now mates...although Colleen now has 8 children, she was still relatively young and attractive and again marries, only this time to Sean. She then has another 4 kids by Sean.

Now friends...with Sean havting to support himself, a wife and 12 children and his farm, he worked so hard, he worked himself to death.

A few years later, Colleen herself passes on.

At her funeral, her stout Irish mother who is still alive, is standing at the side of Colleen's coffin with her friend, looking in at Colleeen.

"Well" said the mother, "Thanks be t'God they're finally t'gether."

The friend, not knowin which husband the mother might be talking about, ask's.."Who might ye be talkin aboot darlin...Patrick, Shamus or Sean?"

"No darlin" replies Colleens mother, "I was talkin about her legs!"

Now Sir...I know this next article is political in nature and I said I was going to stay away from this stuff...BUT... This IS a Joke...and....He IS a JOKE!


My fellow Identity-Americans.

As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for their... well, support.

Your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy (currently the Senate drunk) caused the death of a young staff member by drowning. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.

Americans are tired of thinking.

It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart.

So when you go to vote, remember don't think, just do.

And do it for me.

Thank You.

HAT TIP: Susan Gertson fer sharin this with us.....

Now Sir...we'll leave you t'day with a song I've always enjoyed very much, especially when ya got a special young woman in yur arms while yur dancin in a darkened room...BUT... since I began this post with a Patrick...I'll end it with anothet Patrick...Patrick Swayze. This one goes out to Gina Elise who is working hard and doing wonders for our wounded war Vets....and, from watchin her latest video on YouTube, I happen to know that this is her favorite song......my way of sayin ....Thanks "G"....

COOKIE'S NOTE: I had posted this a few hours prior to learning of Mr. Swayze's present grave medical condition. I think this is also a fitting tribute to him as this is one of the movies he is best remembered for.