Sunday, June 01, 2008

Monday mania.....and some "Technicolor Genitalia...." Don't's PG rated.

Well Sir...we'll start out with a little beauty from Susan down in Texas.....

Underwear dust...

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife' Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'


NOW...Susan's joke triggered a memory of a true story bout sumthin Cookie did to a friend a few years back.

Working as the Assistant Director to the Crime Lab at our local PD, I had access to certain harmless powdered chemicals, that when they come in contact with skin oils and moisture, they would turn different colors that were almost impossible to wash off the skin. One chemical turned bright red, and the other bright green. These powders are very fine and difficult to see, especially if yur not lookin fer em.

While on a fishing trip to Rockport, Mass., with several other cops, I managed to gain access to one of the guys suitcases (Brad) and sprinkled BOTH powders into one of his sets of skivvies (underwear).

After a long hot day of fishing for Cod, and upon returning to the Oceanside home we had rented, "Brad" went upstairs to take a shower. As the rest of us sat quietly outside in the July sunshine drinking a beer or two, there came this very loud and confused..."WHAT THE F*#K!!" from the upstairs bathroom. Needless to say, Brad had discovered his technicolor genitalia upon removing his underwear.

The laughter didn't stop for hours, especially after he realized the prank that had been pulled on him, and later, after several real stiff drinks, showed us his multicolored manhood that had bright Red and Green areas, interspersed with large sections of Orange. BTW...his "boys" got the worst of it, and I sometimes think that on that fateful day, Brad set the standard for the original "punk" hairdo. Someone even took a color photo of it and later posted it on the bulletin board in the Men's Locker room at the PD (I know NOTHING!).


Not to be outdone, Brad requested some powders from Cookie and upon returning to his home several days later, placed one of each powder into each cup of one of his wife's bra's (She was VERY well endowed....a 38 D).

He later stated that she looked like either a flashing "Rail-Road Crossing" Light, or a "sideways traffic light" for a few days until the colors finally wore off..."from her right to Red, some amber skin color in the middle, and the left one Green." Sadly...Brad wouldn't supply us with any photygraffic "evidence" fer the Locker Room....

WHOA! Check Please......

Just anuther good example of "Actions speak louder than words".

Gotta give a REAL BIG THANKS to Patrick fer that one....

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

As I get older, my damn eye sight is not all that good anymore.

Can you please help me with this? Is that, or is that not, a graphite shaft?

....and we gotta thank "Chicago Charlie" for both the above Golf jokes.....

...and yet anuther one t'thank "Charlie the Cop" for.....

The New 2008 Tax Code

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around

unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is

pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has

two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00

8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00

5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00

3 - 5' Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4' is eligible for a tax refund.


** DAMN!** There goes anuther $250.00 to the Feds. Well least your only out a smaller amount....


....and's what happens when a Japanese baby is born....