The Cook Shack--Gab & Grub: Wednesday Wanks....

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

**********************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

***********************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

Yes she says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

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AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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...and Bill Balsimico, Owner/Operator of "The Casa D'Ice" down near Pittsburgh has recently posted this here sign out front of his fine establishment.

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Now Sir, I know there are quite a few of folks out there who, at this point in history, just aren't sure if'n they are (or have been) racists. This should help Y'all answer that question.

You might be a racist;

If you think that a czar is unconstitutional
... you might be a racist!

If you are opposed to a government run health care system
... you might be a racist!

If you think that it is unAmerican to bow before the Saudi King
... you might be a racist!

If you think that the stimulus plan has been an utter failure
... you might be a racist!

If you think that this administration is driving the deficit up at alarming rates
... you might be a racist!

If you think that this is a nation based on Christian values
... you might be a racist!

If you think that communism and socialism are NOT the solution
... you might be a racist!

If you value the 1st Amendment, but think that the media is state-run
... you might be a racist!

If you are sick and tired of the race card being played
... you might be a racist!

If you are a racist according to the current liberal agenda
... you might just be an American!
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Well Sir, the other day I posted a story bout "Don't bite the Kootchie!", an experience my blonde daughter recently had. Well Sir, she decided to leave a comment on the article, which I perceived to be a challange, so, in response, here be an OBG Blonde joke.

Blondes Go To School Too

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,”we were saying the alphabet, today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,”we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 34."
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Partial Nudity Ahead

Here be a "tip" fer all of womenfolk out there, specially if'n yur frum Canada

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Underwire bra - from Paris