Monday, December 10, 2007

Just some holiday PotPouri...


In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, See, it says right here,

'The three wise man came from afar.'

Well Sir...I guess its all about where ya live.....

Christmas carols heard at yur friendly local Mental Health center...

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an OpenFire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells,

Answers frum "Bad Santa".... ( I can just envision Billy Bob Thornton sayin these things)

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a Drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?

Leave me a bottle of scotch.


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?



That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.

Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.

Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,


The teacher was very curious about how each of her students' celebrated Christmas Eve "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class. "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Santa to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Jimmy Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we go to the Bahamas."

No Nativity Scene in Washington, DC This Christmas.

The Supreme Court is said to have ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason at all. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

*Christmas Card Blues*

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror ---wearing nothing but a camera!

...and big old Cookshack thanks to Charlie B, Susan Gertson, Buster frum Kansas and Sarah frum "My Wonderful Life" fer sendin these along.....