Monday, August 18, 2008

Tuesday Tidbits....

Well Sir....all the below funnies were sent t'me by "Chicago Charlie", "Sandy" frum Tampa, Fla., and Sarah frum "My Wonderful Life". THANKS GUYS!

I'd be willin t'bet that there ain't one man out there who watches this banned commercial who cain't relate to it from real life experience.....


A blonde goes into the cleaners; drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's leaving, the cleaner says "come again".

The blonde stops and says "No, it's mustard this time."

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'

8 Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.. ......

Copy and Send this to as many people as you feel need a great laugh today.....

You might be a bad cook if....

1. The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
2. Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom
of the oven.
3. You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the
surprise is that it glows in the dark!
4. Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
5. The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
6. Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting
to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
7. You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the
porch overnight during a record busting heat wave and the next afternoon,
not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
8. You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your
beef stew.
9. Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock-pot nine
days old tastes like.
10. The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large
bright red 'biohazard' symbols.


I saw a billboard sign that said :

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Tony's wife thought it was very romantic when he vowed to have a picture of her tattooed on his arm.

"There's just no pleasing some women!' he moaned, after she threw him out of the house.


Now, tell me, are pigs smart or what???

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant . If they're in the mud,
they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."