The Heavenly Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?""That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.........
Ya know mates....Callin an "illegal alien" an "undocumented immigrant"
callin a drug dealer an "Unlicensed Pharmacist"....
...ain't that the truth......
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken, and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of the reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."
"Again, I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
_____________________________For all you Hillary fans............................
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic
athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an
astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted
to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be
telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to
be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno
"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president
in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants
to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno
"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running
for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while
others hate it." --Conan O'Brien
"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President
Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same
reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." --Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is
elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton
-- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign?
Know what sign? "For Sale."
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on
eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but
still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at
least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all
ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former and present business
partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed.........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
__________________________________________Some good quotes:
John Stuart Mill:
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
____________________________"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."--Teddy Roosevelt
...just as valid a quote t'day as it was way back then.....