Monday madness....

Well Sir...it seems that last Saturday, the good Chief frum over at Smolderin Embers mistook a scene from a video I posted fer a condom. He later stated that he was disappointed that it wasn't, and it only turned out to be a still shot of a record on a record player....

Sooo...since the Cookie aim's t'please...here ya go Chief...enjoy....



WARNING: Adult Situations in these Commercials







And....my favorite banned Commercial of all time....


____________________________

Now Sir...we started on a humorous note...but as the heading of the post states..."Monday MADNESS"...and here is some dyed in the wool, bonafide, certifiable Berkely "Code Pink" MADNESS...

and BTW...I never knew that before WWII we were illegally in....are ya ready....HAWAII !!

...and that WWII was an "unjust war"...who knew all these things??

Oh...if'n ya got high blood pressure....either take some more meds, don't watch, or go lock yur weapons up first...



...and just a reminder...these are the genius's that are supporting and voting for Obama and Hillary....


____________________________

Now Sir...here's the kind of person this great nation is really all about....

Clint Gertson

A SPECIAL REQUEST FRUM COOKIE....

Well Sir...as most of my regulars readers know, I've been honored to have met a wonderful couple who've made the ultimate sacrifice that parents can make for their country...they lost their son Clint in Iraq.

I've posted about Clint before, in fact several times, because to me...he's a hero who stood up for what he believed in and...most importantly...fought for it, and his country.



Army SPC. Clint Gertson
Jan. 30, 1979 - Feb. 19, 2005

CLINT GERTSON MEMORIAL/ SCHOLARSHIP FREEDOM FUND
C/O First National Bank of Eagle Lake
P. O. Box 247
Eagle Lake, TX. 77434

Any Questions Call: 979-234-5591

Gayle & Susan Gertson
1314 Lakeside Drive
Eagle Lake, TX 77434

As you can see...the Gertsons have started a Memorial Scholarship Fund named after their deceased son....Clint Gertson...and if'n ya could...please donate a little to this very worthwhile cause. BTW...I know the Gertson's personally and this is a legitimate charity.....

I would also like to request of any blogger's out there, that if'n ya could, PLEASE pick this post up and put it on yur blog's fer a spell. Thanks mates... It will be greatly appreciated!

...and if'n ya don't donate or re-post, the Cookie will personally hunt y'all down and make ya go to, and read, the Daily Kos fer a week or so....
__________________________________

Gotta thank Patrick frum A Day in the Life...PRH fer makin me aware of the unbelievably ignorant and stupid, oxygen wastin bitch's frum "Code Pinko"....

A great way to help some youngin's get started in life...

A SPECIAL REQUEST FRUM COOKIE....

Well Sir...as most of my regulars readers know, I've been honored to have met a wonderful couple who've made the ultimate sacrifice that parents can make for their country...they lost their son Clint in Iraq.

I've posted about Clint before, in fact several times, because to me...he's a hero who stood up for what he believed in and...most importantly...fought for it, and his country.



Army SPC. Clint Gertson
Jan. 30, 1979 - Feb. 19, 2005

CLINT GERTSON MEMORIAL/ SCHOLARSHIP FREEDOM FUND
C/O First National Bank of Eagle Lake
P. O. Box 247
Eagle Lake, TX. 77434

Any Questions Call: 979-234-5591



Gayle & Susan Gertson
1314 Lakeside Drive
Eagle Lake, TX 77434


As you can see...the Gertsons have started a Memorial Scholarship Fund named after their deceased son....Clint Gertson...and if'n ya could...please donate a little to this very worthwhile cause. BTW...I know the Gertson's personally and this is a legitimate charity.....

I would also like to request of any blogger's out there, that if'n ya could, PLEASE pick this post up and put it on yur blog's fer a spell. Thanks mates... It will be greatly appreciated!

...and if'n ya don't donate or post, the Cookie will personally hunt y'all down and make ya go to, and read, the Daily Kos fer a week or so....
__________________________________

Now Sir...on a much, MUCH less serious note...here be a 30 second tribute to the great Sir Edmind Hillary...with a special statement frum Bill Clinton...

Tribute to Sir Edmund Hillary.....


________________________________

Now Sir...this here news article was sent to me by my old police partner, Retired Police Captain John M., who now resides in sunny and warm North Carolina and has no more need fer such yard care products like this.

Yupper...this is made ESPECIALLY FOR RESIDENTS OF OSWEGO County, New York...or fer anyone who lives in a persistent "Lake Effect Snow" area.....

The Real Manly Man Snow Blower

WHOA…NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!

A 454 V8 Snow blower! Yupper....If'n y'all live (or ever have lived) in 'Upstate, New York', ya gotta love this! Yep, it is for real!

I think "the Chief" frum out in Illinois could also use this after all the snow they just recent got....




_______________________________

...and here be a Golf lesson fer some a you wummin folk who participate in that sport....

First...ADDRESS THE BALL...


_________________________________

...and fer any of you wummin folk who are returning to the workplace after a great many years away from the office and modern equipment....don't let this happen to y'all.....



Bet'cha only women from my generation understood that one....
_________________________________

OK...A Cookshack HAT TIP to: "Charlie the Cop" and Patrick fer submittin all this humorous jocularity....

Saturday Music.. or...Navy Recruitment Day...

UPDATE: This post has been banned by the Berkely City Counsil....





Ahh Yesss...me hardy's...now this be mind kinda "Boat"...







Now Sir...in case any of ya ever wonder what sailors do at sea, besides terrorize Marines, this here video will answer ALL yur questions. This is a rarely observed solemn Ceremony called "WOG DAY"...and it occurs whenever a ship or Submarine crosses the Equator, and all those pukes who have never crossed afore (WOG's) MUST go through this time honored ritual....once completed...they become Shellbacks...



Hey John Y...I know anuther John that just might have to go through this someday...
_______________________________

An American Seabee.....



...and here's what the Seabee's are all about....

T'is Friday mates....

Well Sir...we'll start with this eries of photygraffs sent to me by CSSSCC frum Tampa, FL. as to just how scary this new roller-coaster in Ohio is....

Ohio Roller Coaster

Be sure to go all the way to the last picture.

New Ohio Roller Coaster At Cedar Point!!



Last picture says it all...

_________________________________

"The Love Dress"

A mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked and in a sexually provocative pose. Soft music was playing in the romantically low light, and the aroma of a subtle exotic/erotic perfume filled the room.

'What the hell are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress, ' she explained. 'It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What the hell are you doing?' he queried.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?

He never saw the lamp that hit him....
__________________________________

Well Sir...my old buddy Clint Griffin frum out San Diego way (he's one of sane one's still left out Californy way..), sent me this comical...but somewhat true...outline of various Military Duties and Rules...

Clint is an old Jarhead...so that might explain why he still has some sanity and an enviable amount of common sense left...as opposed to all the other nutcases that infested Californy...especially those "Code Pink" jerks and idiots frum Berkely...

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALs Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedos.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What the hell is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink lots of Coffee.
3. Good naturedly... bust Marines balls...
4. Set ship's course through the absolute roughest weather/sea's in the area.
5. Roll on deck laughing hysterically at the Sea-Sick Marines.
6. Deploy the still sick Marines
7. Drink more Coffee
_____________________

Subject: Joliet Blonde

A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, 'I'll keep you happy,and you'll keep me happy .'The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the ships captain.

'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said.

'This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave the pier in Joliet!
_____________________________

...and...a little birdie told me that they saw this here sign yesterday out in front of "The Chief's" house after he got hit with a ton of snow over the past few days...


________________________________

Bad Santa BUSTED....



...and that's anuther reason they give "Department Store Santa's" such long beards...
_________________________________

HAT TIPs TO: "Charlie The Cop", "Fish", and Clint Griffin.

..and now.. The Cookshack proudly presents... the Greatest of the 50's & 60's.....

Well Sir...the Cookshack Juke-Box just got in a fresh batch of new OBG's....so put yur quarter in, turn yur sound up...smoke em if ya got em...kick back and let those great memories flow freely...

But first...I saw this absolutely OUTSTANDING joke over at Smoldering Ember's and just had to steal it frum "The Chief" and share it with Y'all.....

This was supposedly voted the Best Joke in Ireland in 2006:



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wonderful wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. So, he went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John"! Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

His drinkin buddy ain't stopped laughin since....


________________________________

...and now...here be some Music of Yur Life....





...and...ya gotta have some "Jersey Boys" in here...





...Ah Yes...the "Gedunk" at the Sub Base in New London, Conn.....

Berkley Marine's UPDATE! ..and some great rib ticklers (not the other kind of tickler)

Well Sir...I saw this over at "The Jawa Report"...and it bears republishing. Go sign the petition if'n you've a mind to.....and then tell yur friends & buddy's bout it and post it in yur blog's....



Photo courtesy of Move America Forward

A online petition to condemn the resolution passed by the Berkeley City Council regarding the United States Marine Corps recruiters being uninvited intruders has been established by CapMag. Show your support of the Marines if inclined and to let Berleley City Council know how rediculous their resolution is.

Michelle Malkin also has extensive updates on this.
________________________


...and my buddy "Fish" frum Kentucky reminded me of a Birthday celerbrashun goin on today.....




Birthday Reminder



On July 23rd this year, we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky will turn 35. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
__________________________



...and although this next "Maxine" joke is addressed to "The Hildebeast"...it actually applies to just about all politicians (Fred Thompson excluded)....




____________________________________

Jewish Mathematics....

A Jewish woman calls her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my anus is now the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!"

Mother says, "Now let me know if I have this right, you're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents ?"

...and another burning question..."Is it true that Jewish women don't believe in sex...after marriage?"

Just to be clear, I'm NOT anti-Semetic. I ran these old jokes by one of my Jewish friends and he got a big laugh out of both....
__________________________________

Subject: I need a favor....

My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies.' I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Here's a picture of the dog.



_________________________________

Taxi Driver


A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"
__________________________________

Now Sir...here be where I been gettin introuble lately, especially with MightyMom. Although I try to give credit to all those fine folks that send these humorous anecdotes and jocularity to the Cookie...I always seem to leave someone out...so here goes....

A Great Big COOKSHACK HAT TIP to: "Fish" frum Kentucky, "Charlie the Cop" frum windy Chicago, "Myron" frum Myrons Random Thoughts, Susan Gertson frum Texas, Patrick frum A Day in the Life...PRH...and MightyMom frum "My Wonderful Life...., and Clint Griffin frum out San Diego way....whew...I think I got everyone....

Wednesday Wanks....and...You write the Caption...

The Super Bowl Seat

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone would be sitting in the seat next to her.

"No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman said, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shook her head, "Nah, they're all at the funeral."
_________________________________

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite
meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell
me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as
husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You
look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if
you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed
that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt
that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
_____________________________________

Lipstick in School OR the differance between a teacher and an educator..

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the
next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the
girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained
that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had
to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine
the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators!
________________________________

Partial Nudity Ahead....

....and some backwoods birth control





OUCH....That's GOTTA hurt comin off.....
___________________________________

Subject: Fishin'

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.

On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!' The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said,

"I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
______________________________________

An Oldie BUT Goody...

Purina Dog Chow Diet

The next time someone asks you a dumb question, would you not like to
respond like this?

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, the
wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So since I
am retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I did not
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore !!!!!
______________________________________

Never Tick Off A Texas Woman ( OR...Buster frum Kansas)

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I' m going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want."
_________________________________

...and finally...YOU WRITE THE CAPTION...


_____________________________

Cookshack HAT TIP To: Bubba Brown frum Oswego NY, CSSSCC frum Tampa, Fl., MMANCUSO frum I don't know where, "Charlie The Cop" frum Chi-Town, Missy Susan Gertson frum Eagle Lake, Texas, and MightyMom....

Tuesday tidbits...

Well Sir....I first heard this here joke over 40 years ago...but at that time, the two main folks in the Joke were a Navy Seabee and a Marine...and naturally, the Seabee got the After-Shave and the Marine didn't...

But...I like it this way as well.....

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will
smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like."
_______________________________

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank You for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes. "
**************************
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
**************************
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
*************************
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
***********************
Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
***********************
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
*************************
God made man before woman so he would have time to think of an answer for her first question.
*************************
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
**************************
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
**************************
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
_________________________



A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband,
'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
________________________________

American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.
_______________________________

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas .
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lord almighty' he says to himself, 'my three favorite things!!'
----------------------------------

The new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says , .. "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?!!"
__________________________________

You!!!!!!!
Yeah You .. .


....have a GREAT Day!!!
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably..
And never regret anything that made you smile.

________________________________

...a little NUDITY ahead...

When a man comes home from work after a really difficult day at the office, factory or jobsite, nothing brightens his spirits and makes him feel more appreciated than being met at the door by the smiling face of the woman he loves and an ice cold beer in her hand.









_______________________________

....and finally...here be a little "Gun Porn" fer those of you (like "fits") who get a kick outta this stuff....sorta like this guy got a kick...


______________________________

...and a Big Old Cookshack HAT TIP to: Pat, Susan G, "Charlie the Cop" fer sendin me these humorous anecdotes and photygraffs...

...and an UPDATE: The Cookie goofed agin....I fergot to include MightyMom as the nice person who sent me the cute puppy tellin ya to have a great day. Sorry agin MM..... :-(

"Suspended his Right to Life"...and "Kilvinski's Law"...

Well Sir....some years back when I was a Police Detective, I had the occasion to speak personally with a Police Chaplain regarding a shooting....and he related something to me that I'll share with y'all...after y'all watch this video that was sent to me by my good friend "The Chief" frum over at "Smolderin Embers..." who kinda jogged this old kept memory from the Cookie's past....



The good Chaplain related the followin to Cookie...

"Everybody has a Right to Live!, However, at certain times, if a person's actions either threaten a Police Officer's personal safety and places him/her in fear for their life, or the safety of the general Public, because of that person's own threatening actions.....They temporarily suspend their Right to Live while they are engaging in that conduct."

Now Sir...fer some of you older folks, or retired Police Officers out there, many of you will recall a great movie starring George C Scott called "The New Centurians". Well Sir....many a cop who saw that movie (including the Cookie) adopted a personal law known as "Kilvinski's Law" ...here t'is....

"Kilvinski's law states, be civil to everyone, courteous to no one. If he uses a fist, use your stick. If he uses a knife, cancel his ticket right then and there. I am going home at the end of the day!"

Officer Kilvinski, The New Centurians.

Now Sir....since this Cookie managed to survive 21 years of Police work, and a shooting or two...I'd say that Kilvinski's Law holds true.....I'm still here....
_______________________________

....and speakin of Gun's, my buddy Pat just sent me this, and it's "Oh so True", especially when it comes to "Buster" out in Chanute Kansas....

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road...
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times...
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...
#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"...
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...
...AND...the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!

Some life lessons....

Well Sir....before we get started with the jocularity, Ms. Gina Elise is gonna be going across the country frum Californy to Walter Reed, and Bethesda Naval Hospitals this friday to cheer up some of our wounded hero's. So if you would, there is still time to buy a Calendar for a Vet, or donate to her cause so she can distribute some good cheer and some of her great pinup calendars to our soldiers....

So please, get on over to Pinups for Vets and make a donation if ya can spare it...and I'm sure we can all spare a little somethin to help our brave Military men and women....
______________________________

Well Sir... here be a good trainin video fer some of you folks out there as to ...

How Not to get yur Ass Kicked by the Police....



ADULT LANGUAGE



Gotta thank "Charlie the Cop" frum Chicago fer sendin us this gem...and who would know better about this topic than "Charlie the Cop"....and of course...Cookie!
______________________________

Warning - Do Not Order Mexican Viagra !

Important Bulletin
Many men are buying 'black market' Viagra pills
from Mexican mail-order drug stores.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that
several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with
ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.

The results can be horrible.
Here is what you get when you combine Viagra
with Mexican Jumping Beans


___________________________

Grandpa discover's Viagra...

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington state to Florida to attend their grandson's graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit their son in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet.

He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.'

How much?' asked Grandpa.

'Around $10.00 a pill,' answered the son.

I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one. We'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma.'
____________________________

We men will never change......


______________________________

BELIEVE it or not - These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is ..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
___________________________________

...This is one tough kid...but he's definately gonna need some Preparation H...

**Click to Enlarge if'n ya cain't read it.**


_________________________________