The Super Bowl Seat
A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone would be sitting in the seat next to her.
"No," she said, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
Somberly, the woman said, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The woman shook her head, "Nah, they're all at the funeral."
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite
meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell
me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as
husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You
look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if
you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed
that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt
that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
_____________________________________Lipstick in School OR the differance between a teacher and an educator..
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the
next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the
girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained
that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had
to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine
the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
There are teachers ... and then there are educators!
________________________________ Partial Nudity Ahead....
....and some backwoods birth control
OUCH....That's GOTTA hurt comin off.....
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'
'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!' The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said,"I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
An Oldie BUT Goody...Purina Dog Chow Diet
The next time someone asks you a dumb question, would you not like to
respond like this?
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, the
wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So since I
am retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I did not
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore !!!!!
______________________________________Never Tick Off A Texas Woman ( OR...Buster frum Kansas)
A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I' m going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer.
You do whatever you want."
...and finally...YOU WRITE THE CAPTION...
Cookshack HAT TIP To: Bubba Brown frum Oswego NY, CSSSCC frum Tampa, Fl., MMANCUSO frum I don't know where, "Charlie The Cop" frum Chi-Town, Missy Susan Gertson frum Eagle Lake, Texas, and MightyMom....