Monday...some thoughts on Marriage.. and some sundry PotPourri...

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady in serted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidew alk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

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...and in other news...An extremely rare Michelangelo painting has recently been discovered in a Senator's Mansion in New York State..... here t'is...


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Well Sir...this next article and photygraffs have actually been around fer some time now...and I've posted this afor...but....just in case ya ain't never seen this here woman afore...I think y'all will find it interesting...and fer you men-folk out there...thought provoking....

Subj: 320 pound woman


The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like?

Now, before you scroll down to look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 lbs looks like . .

Got it?



Ready?







Not exactly what you were expecting, is it??!!

The tallest and best proportioned woman in the world lives in Holland

She is 7'4' and weighs 320 lbs

What a relief! Now we ALL know we aren't overweight; we're just too damn short!

Now Sir...If'n these photygraffs were "Photo-Shopped"...they did a real good job...look at the shadows...

Have A Great Day
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Well Sir....now that Obama has "Bitch-Slapped" the Hildebeast big time in SC....do y'all think that Billary will now play the....



even more than they have already...???
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Hmmm...here's sumthin to ruin yur Monday...and yur week....

Some Health Facts....

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.



In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)



An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.



In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!



Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.



Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.



In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.



At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.



Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.




HAVE A GREAT WEEK...!!!


..and wash your hands!

I don't think I'll be shakin anyone's hand any time soon....

"19"....The song...

Well Sir...fer those of ya that kinda follow the Cookie's daily posts with any regularity, y'all have probably noticed that one of my best, and most consistant contributors is Susan Gertson from Eagle Lake, Texas.

Now Sir...as parents...Susan and her husband Gayle have made the ultimate sacrifice for this great Nation...they lost their beloved son Clint in Iraq. I've posted about this hero son before...but the Gertsons have another son as well, Matt, and in the below video, at the 1:35 minute mark, you'll observe one brave soldier carrying a wounded compadre on his back and shoulder's...that is their son Matt....



I am reminded of something that General George S. Patton once stated.....

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived."

George S. Patton

MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR COURAGEOUS MEN AND WOMEN OF THE UNITED STATES MILITARY..... and Thank You one and all....

Ancient predecessor to New York Times discovered in Israel...

Well Sir...being a student of history, I found this story mighty interestin...

Archaeologists, excavating an ancient building site known as "The Gray Whore" in an area just south of Jeruselum, discovered the following scroll....believed to be the very 1st publication ever of what would later (much later) become The New York Times....

The scroll was exceptionally well preserved. Experts have attributed this to the fact that they discovered a quantity of "fish bones" inside the scroll and that the original fish believed to have been wrapped in the scroll may have somehow acted as a "preservative".

Another similar scroll was also uncovered nearby, and this also was very well preserved, however, although no "fish bones" were found in the proximity of the second scroll, a substance that has now been identified as an early type of "feline feces/urine absorber" was all around the area of the discovery.

CLICK TO ENLARGE...



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New Sex Study.....

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead
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I KNOW I HAVE IT !!!!!!

Electile Dysfunction

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
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...AND...This just In!!!

Subject: Fw: Mexican Earthquake


Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start.

The country is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to
replace the dead ones.


God bless America!!!!
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Now Sir...Pit Bulls are not only nasty, and sometimes dangerous, some of them are also exceptionally STUPID! This one obviously messed with a Porcupine, and kept messin with it, etc., etc., etc.,.....

The Vet had to sedate the animal and then proceeded to remove over 1300 quills...

Wunder if'n it learned anything....




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....Hmmmm....and maybe a grain of Salt is needed here...at least I HOPE SO!

My friend sent this to me, and I thought I would pass it along. I can laugh at these or cry because of these . . . I'm not sure which one I want to do right now. :)

Actual test answers from various Hunstville, Alabama metro schools.

Q - Name the four seasons. A - Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q - What does "varicose" mean? A - Nearby.
Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q - What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A - If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q - What happens to your body as you age? A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q - What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A - He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q - Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A - Premature death.
Q - How can you delay milk turning sour? A - Keep it in the cow.
Q - How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A - The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels - a, e,I, o and u.
Q - What is the fibula? A - A small lie.
Q - Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section." A - The caesarian section is a district in rome.
Q - What is a terminal illness? A - When you are sick at the airport.
Q - What does the word "benign" mean? A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q - What is a turbine? A - Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q - What is a Hindu? A - It lays eggs.

Ginger Black
English Teacher
Interact Club sponsor
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Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the
line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected
a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to
speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a
couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin
and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so
he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left
the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!
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...and finally....The Cookie has been honored by MightyMom over at "My Wonderful Life" who awarded me one of her "Daily Dose Award's"...

She gives this award to blogs that she absolutely MUST visit every day to get a daily dose of whatever that blog is servin up fer the day....THANKS MIGHTYMOM!! I'm truly honored.


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OK mates....gotta thank "MightyMom", "Charlie the Cop" frum Chicago, and CSSSCC frum Tampa fer sendin these along....

Ah..the Joy's of learnin Spanish..Very funny set of posts sent in by some good Women-folk..

Well Sir...Missy Susan Gertson from Eagle Lake, Texas sent me this here great educational video on certain things ya need to know to speak to yur Nanny...so..if'n ya got a naybor who ya don't care fer too much...and she's got a Spanish Nanny...teach her these sentences...


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...and...while we're on the subject of just how t'take care of babies...Here be some "Do's & Don'ts" fer you new Mom's out there submitted t'me by Missy Buster frum Chanute, Kansas...






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Now Mam....I received this here E-mail from one of my loyal woman-folk readers ...and she writes:

I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical illusion pictures!!!!

But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you
should be able to see the ocean.

I have tried and tried for a time, and I still can't see any stupid ocean!

Let me know if YOU can see the
ocean???




Yupper Mighty Mom...I see the ocean just fine...I cain't understand why yur havin such a problem....???
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In the "Cockpit"....

The C-5 pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the G.I.s the usual information regarding seat belts,parachutes, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan .'

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'



'Yes,' said the Attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing Sarge,' said the attendant,

'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'

'It's The Box Office'
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A lady who lives in Ladysmith Wisc. snapped
this Saturday. How cool is that?


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...and finally...and this is hysterical, this little diddy was sent to me by CSSSCC frum Tampa, Fla. I damned near pee'd my pants laffin so hard...

I don't know who she is but her hubby a is a retired Chief Petty Officer frum the good old United States Navy....


Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!


We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,

I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,

and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.



It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Which Drill Team d'ya think is better..?? B.J. Billy says "Screw It..I'm Running!"

Well Sir...my good amiga Susan Gertson sent me a video of the United States Marine Corps Silent Drill Team goin through their paces...and they are pretty damned good....fer Marines that is...( Video is about 6 minutes)

So...the Cookie looked up a video of the United States Navy Silent Drill Team...and they're GREAT...but...since I'm obviously kinda partial bein an old Seabee and such...I thought I'd ask y'all's opinion....(Video is only 3 minutes)

Which Drill Team d'ya think is better...???




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...AND NOW...fer something REALLY freakin scary. I saw this over at "Bob's Blog" and I didn't know whether to laugh...or cry...

B.J.Billy says: "Screw It...I'm Runnin...."
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Subject: Rubber Gloves

Oh Dear!!!

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves,
You're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
Of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
Their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
Into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
She burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always Working!
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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least,

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
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Ooopp's...My Bad...furgot t'thank MightyMom and Pat fer sendin me some of these...

Everybody loves cute animal pix...

Well Sir...that Texas Siren, MightyMom sent me these...so I thought I'd share em with y'all. I particularly liked the photygraff of the dogs tearin up a football jersey...

...AND...I think my Wolf-Dog, Czarina would have her feelins hurt if'n I didn't put her photygraff in here somewhere. So here's my runnin mate...Czarina...



OK...all together now...Awwwwww
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Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the
cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's cousin.
Reportedly it will score 603 1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in Limestone County.
Supposedly, this deer had killed a bull, two farmhands, thirteen illegal immigrants and six hunters in the last two weeks alone. They said he was in a fierce fight with Bigfoot when he was shot.


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A Winter Statistic

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE SLIDING INTO A DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM BUFFALO, SYRACUSE, or BRIDGEPORT, NY, AND THEY SAY 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'
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This is informative...and guarantee'd to anger ya... and some laff's fer y'all...

Well Sir...I know most of ya are purdy buzy with various things...but if'n ya got about 7 or 8 minutes...take a gander at this.....I first saw it over at Shooting The Messenger....


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On a much lighter note.....

First year students at Iowa State Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the carcass covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

First is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."

Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.
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Bill Clinton..."I have a Dream".....




Taken frum the New York Post...
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ATM Procedures....

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note
that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed.


Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align
car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them
back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place
cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place
receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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yummy.....

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said,

"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,

"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied,

"What happened to my booger?"
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..and finally...The Big Question of the Day is...DOES THIS APPLY TO YOU??? (Sound On)

http://heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756



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S'More Humor.....

A favorite game in Florida. It's time to play "Find the Canadian!"

This week's challenge is especially difficult. View the attached
candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will
let you "Find the Canadian!"

Do you have the skill?

Do you have the ability?

Do you know enough about your Northern Cousins?

Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?













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The Cruelest Form of Eye Tests for Old Geezers...(Me Too) !


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I have a HUGE crack in my Windshield....

I'm driving along on the highway at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit),
minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this big crack
in my windshield!!


I swerved right,
and then left,
and it was still right there!!













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WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...




THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.



A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

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The Worlds Most Dangerous Creature....

Great White Shark, picture...TURN YUR SOUND ON!

1st Look and see the shark under the water. Keep your cursor out of the picture until you see the shark.

Then... move your mouse cursor onto the picture, click to activate....AND stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D).

CLICK ON: Worlds Most Dangerous Creature

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A big old Cookshack Hat Tip To: "Fish" frum Kentucky, Bubba Brown frum Oswego, NY, and Clint G frum San Diego fer sendin these along to the Cookie.....