Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Some anecdotes....

The Medicine Man

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as youwish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?

"The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234,and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123.

"He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ...just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the
biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Grandpa, go home! You're drunk!”

Tongue Twister...

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has A black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with massive breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable! Mine was a tongue twister, too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.

But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, ugly bitch."

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my
friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother'?"

Nugent replied, Nah. Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next", "Who am I going to screw next", and "Can I run fast enough to get away".

They are very much like the French in that respect."

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Wednesday Wanks......

....and we'll end with Dell's new computer which is said to "Simplify" things greatly....

Monday, August 06, 2007

Tuesday Tidbits.....

Well Sir...we'll be a startin with these here Cookies, called F-Cup Cookies in which the fat is guaranteed to go right to yur boobs to make em larger....Hmmmm...I wonder if'n they make "Cockies"....

Speakin of women with large breasts. here be a story about a large breasted organist....

The Church Lady

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

Alcohol is bad...

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread.

....might be bad fer this woman but great fer the guys....

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX,
was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought
of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio;
but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a cars battery cables
will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":

1. "Red is positive".
2. "Black is negative".


Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, “I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”

The second surgeon said, “That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a Gold
Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.”

The third surgeon said,

“You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana. She rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's butt. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Ah Mondays....a mite early...

I've had a rough day. I rear-ended a car and then I got in a fight.

I was on my way to the post office to mail a payment for my lapsed car insurance,
when I rear-ended the car in front of me. The car I hit was a brand new Lexus.

What a disaster. The driver got out. He was a dwarf.

I thought to myself, "Can this possibly get any worse?"

After looking at his crunched-up bumper, he looked at me and said, "I am
NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.

It's been a REALLY bad day.

You Got To Love the Irish!

A concert in Ireland

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop clapping, ya fooking asshole!"


"If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.

My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview . She is now a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance' and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for

Signed, Worried About My Reputation.

Native American Observation (Unfortunately...this says it all)

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the
President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where
did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes,
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, at night woman was at his side for
all his needs."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

....and me personally...I think I'd love to see Michael Vick in a game with the "Detroit Dogs".....