Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The War Department briefed the President this morning. They told Bush that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally he composed himself and asked,
"Just exactly how many is a "Brazillion"??
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD RED HEAD."
NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD RED HEAD, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? (The Golden Years)
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case. We will make you rich”.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said,“Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
“Doesn’t that calf have a mother?”