Well Sir...in the recent past, some good folks have sent me various jokes & things...and I've fergotten to give credit to the correct providers...and since I've fergotten just who in the Hell sent me these stories and jokes...let me just say THANK YOU to: Missy Buster, Missy Susan G, "Fish", Charlie the Cop, my Grandson Joe and me good com padre Sig. There...and if'n ya didn't send something in...ya still got credit fer doin so....I think that cover's everybody....
**Click to Enlarge if'n yur eyesights bad**
The Double Dose..............
A man went to his pharmacist to get a double dose of Viagra.
The pharmacist told him that he couldn't give him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the pharmacist.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the pharmacist.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The pharmacist finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you,
but you have to come in on Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The pharmacist asked "What happened to you?"The man said, "No one showed up."__________________________
THE SILENT FART
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a little silent fart, What do you think I should do?"He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
...and fer my women-folk readers.....my Grandson Joe sent me these... he told me his mother loved em and felt very strongly they should be posted on my blog....
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ....whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?
"She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 amfor an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
See guys...we men aren't equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
....And this just in to The Cookshack's Newsroom....Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)
NEWS RELEASE - FROM: DEMOCRATIC PARTY - WASHINGTON, DC 11/07/07
Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over.
With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.
"In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U. S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the fast food industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.
The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled -- banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lugnut twister at a GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with No Abilities.
It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
...and finally....fer me old sod Irish readers....
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Feckin jaysus, twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"