Friday, August 21, 2009

Frivolous Friday....

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Before we gets t'the funny stuff, I just received this breaking news that ABC has banned this recent 30 second commercial regarding Obamacare.

NBC, ABC, MSNBC, they're all in the tank for Obama and we are only getting biased, and/or limited news about what's really happening in this country today. I've spoke to many people (a few relatives included) who only watch the MSM news stations like ABC, NBC and CBS and actually believe they are getting the truth and unbiased reports. When Dr. Tiller, the late term abortionist was murdered, one of my daughters stated that "he never performed a late term abortion in his career." I asked her where in the hell she heard that and she told me NBC.

Whats even scarier is that I've spoken with several people (mainly younger folks) who get ALL their news from "The Daily Show" with John Stewart, and believe his satire, sarcasm and cheap shots against whomever are in fact the truth.



OK, now here some humorous stuff to hopefull give y'all a laugh or two.
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably weren't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
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Little Vito's Confession.



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Vito Gottagetsominfo ?'

Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Vito, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that Vito.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and say 2 Acts of Contrition and 5 Hail Mary's and behave yourself.'

Vito walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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Now here be a great lesson fer Y'all, specially if'n yur married.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.
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...and oldie but a goody...

They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McDummy's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,

'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,

'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and what's really scary is that they REPRODUCE (and probably voted fer Obama as well)!
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Always liked this guy's dry sense of humor. On some level he reminds me of "The Chief".

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thursday Thuds....

We'll begin with a business poster that represents discrimination at it worst (or best, dependin on yur point of view).



Swimmin anyone?! John Yowans frum out Kansas way sent me these and told me that fer some unknown reason, the local pools haven't been gettin used like they normally do, even with the exceptionally hot weather they been a havin.







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Now Sir, this was posted on YouTube just yesterday and was sent to me by Missy Susan frum down in Texas. Now Sir, don't y'all go callin me a racist cause I posted it, I just see the humor in it, because since the "Coronation", errr, I mean Inauguration, I've actually met a few folks who really believed and felt this way about jobs. Of Note: I've met a GREAT many folks who have asked the question, "What Have We Done?!"

"Is it too late to vote fer the white guy?"


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Golf Course Humor....some good stuff here.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this Your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What is the
Weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I am running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of Golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it...

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Real Scary Stuff....

Now Sir, my good friend Susan Gertson from Texas sent me this yesterday and if y'all aren't already aware of this, I want to share it with you. This is something we all should be aware of and on the lookout for.

Take 5 minutes of your time and watch this news report, it's well worth it!


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Wednesday Wanks.....








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Redneck Fishin....

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north
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She's a pro

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."
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Y'all gotta drink The Obama Cool Aid! A short vid....


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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Some Tuesday PotPourri....

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.





















But, **Sigh**, like I said, it was a long long time ago, & it was just fer that one day.
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The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.

The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side

Yupper, really gotta THANK "Missy Sue" frum Texas fer that good one.
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Please adopt "Pinky", the adorable, loving and affectionate cat....



Gotta Thank "Charlie The Cop" frum out Chi-Town way fer that one.
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Now Sir, since every car thief and criminal type probably already know this, here's how to unlock yur car with a tennis ball. I haven't personally attempted this, so I don't know if this short video is blowin smoke, or in fact true, but here t'is....

How t'unlock yur car with a Tennis Ball.



Gotta thank that old Marine and Vietnam hero (at least thats what he tells me), "The Chief" fer that one...
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...and my old buddy "Fish" frum down Kentucky way sends us this cute one....

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Finally, frum ONION NEWS, "American Workers are outsourcing their own jobs."


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The 'Hero of Chappaquiddick' speaks on why he supports amnesty for those sneaking across the Rio Grande. This just may be the quote of the century!!

I was so touched I damn near cried.....

Monday, August 17, 2009

Which one of the people in these photygraffs scares ya the most

OK, which of the people in the followin photygraffs scares y'all the most??

First we have Clyde Barrow from Bonnie & Clyde fame. Killed a lot of lawmen and some innocent folks.
























Next we have Ted Bundy, one of the most vicious and cunning Serial Killers to ever come along. Responsible fer the death of many women across the country!



...and almost everybody recognizes "Billy the Kid".





















This next person is Dr. Josef Mengele. Mengele was the notorious and infamous Doctor from Aushwitz concentration camp who decided who lived and who died. He also performed some of the most cruel operations and experiments on young children ever recorded.
















This here next character is Dion Obanion, a murderin gangster from the 1930's who fought gang wars with Al Capone.
























...and who can ferget Butch Cassidy, notorious bank and train robber from the old west.
























Now Sir, this here next person is Albert DeSalvo, better known as The Boston Strangler. DeSalvo is alleged to have brutally killed and disemboweled many women in Boston.






















...and of course John Dillenger, the notorious gangster frum the 1930's.





















Now Sir, this here next bank/train robber is none other than Harry Longbaugh, better known as "The Sundance Kid".
























...and finally we have Rahm Emmanuel, President Obama's Chief of Staff.
























...and of course Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of The House.






















TOUGH CHOICE AIN'T IT!!

I can tell y'all which one of these notorious, famous and infamous characters scares the livin B'Jesus outta me.

Bringin back some old TV intro's....

Well Sir, I thought I'd bring back some old TV show intro's and information fer anyone who might be interested. A lot of y'all won't recall many of the shows frum the early 50's, but some of ya will find these two videos quite nostalgic.

BUT FIRST, talking about old things comin back, my jarhead buddy "The Chief" who took a brief sabbatical frum bloggin is back, and just as "Dinky Dao", witty and sarcastically humorous as always.



Whatja think of that segway Chief?? Give him a visit and let him know how y'all feel bout his return to the blogosphere....be nice now.



Now this next video starts a little slow with some interestin facts regarding that 1950 time period, but I'm sure some of Y'all out there will find it reminiscent of yur earlier years....


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In closing, I ask y'all t'remember this:

"The essence of Government is power; and power, lodged as it must be in human hands, will ever be liable to abuse." --James Madison