Sunday Sundries....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
_________________________________

...and here be some real good Military wisdom & sayin's....

'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over
the area you just bombed'
- U.S.Air Force Manual
---------------------------------
'Aim towards the Enemy'
- Instructions printed on U.S.Rocket Launcher
---------------------------------
'When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S.Marine Corps
---------------------------------
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
---------------------------------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------
'Try to look unimportant;they may be low on ammo.'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------
'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you
come with me.'
- U.S.Marine Gunnery Sgt.
---------------------------------
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S.Army Ordnance
---------------------------------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------
'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
and don't ever volunteer to do anything.'
- U.S.Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
- David Hackworth
----- ---------------------------
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
- Joe Gay
---------------------------------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- unknown
----------------------------------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
----------------------------------
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
----------------------------------
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
----------------------------------
'The only time you have too much fuel,
is when you're on fire.'
-----------------------------------
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more Planes
in the Ocean than Submarines in the Sky.'
- From an Old Carrier Sailor
----------------------------------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a Helicopter and therefore, unsafe.'
----------------------------------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane,
you always have enough power left to get you to
the scene of the Crash.'
---------------------------------
'Without ammunition, the USAF would be
just another expensive flying club.'
-----------------------------------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots ? If a Pilot screws up, the Pilot dies;
If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
------------------------------------
'Never trade Luck for Skill.'
---------------------------------
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that?',
'Where are We?'
And 'Oh SHIT !'
---------------------------------
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
---------------------------------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always
needed to complete the flight successfully.'
---------------------------------
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we've never left one up there!'
---------------------------------
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers,
kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'
-----------------------------------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable
of understanding or doing anything about it.'
-----------------------------------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
-----------------------------------
'A pilot who doesn't have any fear,
probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.'
- Jon McBride, astronaut
-----------------------------------
'If you're faced with a forced landing,
fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (aerobatic and test pilot)
-----------------------------------
'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
-----------------------------------
'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'
-------------------------------------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime.'
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis - Monthan AFB, AZ,
-----------------------------------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air.Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space
It is much more difficult to fly there.'
-------------------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
-------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. The Pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
--------------------------------------
'Blunt words can have a sharp edge'
______________________________

...and this here be why some schools never played at the Super Bowl.....

Halftimeshow.wmv
_______________________

OK...lets see how good y'all are at this.. I'll bet most of ya don't make it past 10 seconds...

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal.
It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots.
They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. I QUESTION THIS??????
Give it a try, but be careful...it is addictive!!

Click on Air Force Test
___________________________

...and yupper...even kangaroo's get bored sometimes....





...and if'n yur still bored...here's a little sumthin fer y'all t'do.......

http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier
_______________________

....and finally...some great oldies...and ya can pick the year and music ya wanna listen to.....just clicky de linky...

http://www.tropicalglen.com/

I had this stored in my favorits sites fer along time...and plum fergot about it till my good buddy Clint (the USS Midway Official Photographer) out in San Diego sent it to me Saturday.....Thanks Clint.......

...and Hat-Tips to: "fish", Charlie the Cop, and the Chief fer sharin these with us....

Some critters just know when to leave the ship...

Well Sir...my hunch tells me we'll be see'n alot more of this as folks get to know what the Hildebeast and her people are really all about....

Been wantin one fer years...

Well Sir...after listenin to the wife naggin...er...askin me fer many a year fer one a these here systems...I finally conceded to make the investment and get her one fer Christmas....



I'll be lettin ya know what I think of it...but from folks I've talked with who have one...they're supposedly pretty damn good...

Don't ferget t'say it......

It's really amazing how easy this is to do....and they'll understand it....


________________________________

The Town Cow....

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The
people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canton
Ohio, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was
wonderful. The cow produced lots of milk all of the time, and the
people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more
cows so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away
from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very
wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches
from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the
front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to
the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow
in Ohio?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio"!
____________________________

Hat Tips to: Susan Gertson fer the video and "fish" fer the cute joke....

Some Bullshit... a life lesson, "The Man Song"..an accident scene.. some Gratitude

Well Sir...this is an oldie...but well worth watchin agin.....Thanks Charlie frum Chicago....




Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters
_________________________________

Now Sir....this here parable is kinda like a mainstay around the Cookshack...and unlike the above video...IS NOT bullshit....

Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee

Food for thought, This really puts life in perspective! Have a nice day.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf
balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health,
your friends and your favorite passions. And if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.'

'The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house
and your car.'

' The sand is everything else---the small stuff'

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with your
grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to
dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and
fix the disposal.'

Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

'The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee
with a friend.'

Share this with someone you care about - I JUST DID! TAKE TIME, MAKE TIME,
THERE MAY NOT BE A NEXT TIME!!

____________________________

The Man Song......


___________________________________

Caution: Graffic Photo of accident scene ahead! Not a pretty sight...

I almost cried when I saw this pic. It is absolutely gut wrenching.
A friend of mine sent me this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany .

The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you.? If you look
closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident
still in the wreckage.?

Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly
our loved ones can be taken from us.? My friend stayed on the scene to
help, and even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of
them, none survived.?









__________________________________

...and this is somethin real nice that Susan Gertson sent to me. Take a short minute and watch this...chances are ya might also wanna post it on yur blogs....


http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/fullmovie.php
_______________________________

What do you get when you cross a pickle with a reindeer?

Funny shorts.. a cute video of "White Christmas", and "Glow in the dark Pussy's" (True)..

OK folks...here be a little ADULT humor...there's NO nudity, bad language or anything....just an adult situation....and Ladies...I'm sure that even y'all will get a kick outta a couple of these......

SOUND ON....


...and...if'n yur a male Pianist and ya develop "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome"...here's how ya might solve that dilemma....and if'n yur a woman-folk...well...use yur imagination....



...I don't know bout the rest a you guys...but I really don't wanna be the next person to play that particular pianni...



Now Sir...most of us know that "the Chief" over at Smoldering Embers is a real die-hard Green Bay Packers fan...and from what I've been told... this happened to him last week in his livinroom when "The Pack" won their game.....



...and this one gives a whole new meanin to the phrase "My Ass is Draggin"...


________________________________


...and fer the past few Christmas's, some good folks sent me this real cute version of "White Christmas...so I thought I'd share it with y'all if'n ya ain't already seen it. Just Clicky de Linky...turn yur SOUND ON, sit back and enjoy....

http://www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf

_______________________________

OK...now I just KNOW that this article (which I shamelessly sto...er...borrowed frum "fits" over at Shooting the Messenger) will most certainly generate alot of smart ass comments....and it's a TRUE story....so have at it fellers.... Glow in the Dark Pussy's"...



"Researchers in South Korea have cloned a cat and modified its genes so that it will glow red under ultraviolet light, the Korea Times reports.

The Gyeongsang National University researchers, led by Prof. Kong Il-keun, modified the genes of Turkish Angora cats so that a red protein would glow in their skin when exposed to ultraviolet light, the paper reports.

The scientists modified the skin cells of the mother cat by using a virus to make the protein fluoresce, according to the Times.

Four of the glowing kittens were born in January and February of this year, but only three survived.

Researchers found that cells throughout the dead kitty fluoresced red, the paper said."

About time. This'll make it a helluva lot easier to find them in pitch black conditions."


Hat-Tips to: Fits, "Fish" from Kentucky, "Charlie the Cop" frum Chicago...and I believe that cantankerous old Chief is in there somewhere as well....

Tuesday Tidbits....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?__________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin'me
________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
_______________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
____________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?____________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!___________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________

--- And the best for last: ---


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?



WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
____________________________

Now Sir...here be a "Messin with Sasquatch" commercial y'all probably won't see on TV...



_______________________________

Two ways t'spot a Millionaire.....




_________________________________

TOP 7 MORONS OF 2007

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!' .

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
__________________________

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter
said, 'You must each possess something that
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets
and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and
pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and
said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

'And just what do those symbolize?'











The man replied, 'These are Carols.
___________________________________

...and finally...it was calls like these that helped me in my decision to retire from Police work....




...and a big old Hat Tip to: Charlie the Cop, Susan G, "fish" frum Kentucky and Clint Griffin fer sending these to the Cookie...

Just some holiday PotPouri...

THE THREE CHRISTMAS FIREMEN.......

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, See, it says right here,

'The three wise man came from afar.'

Well Sir...I guess its all about where ya live.....
______________________

Christmas carols heard at yur friendly local Mental Health center...

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an OpenFire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells,
________________________

Answers frum "Bad Santa".... ( I can just envision Billy Bob Thornton sayin these things)

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy


Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a Drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis


Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan


Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?

Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,like in the song?

Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy


Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.

Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.

Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa
_________________________

The teacher was very curious about how each of her students' celebrated Christmas Eve "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class. "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Santa to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Jimmy Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we go to the Bahamas."
___________________________

No Nativity Scene in Washington, DC This Christmas.

The Supreme Court is said to have ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason at all. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
____________________________

*Christmas Card Blues*

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror ---wearing nothing but a camera!
_______________________

...and big old Cookshack thanks to Charlie B, Susan Gertson, Buster frum Kansas and Sarah frum "My Wonderful Life" fer sendin these along.....

Monday Mania.... A tad on the "Risque' " side....

Well Sir...my buddy "fish" frum Kentucky sent me this here test fer men folks....Here T'is....

Which is the Blonde???

The Blonde is the only one with her RIGHT leg up....
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OK...being Huntin Season...here be somethin fer all my huntin partners out there...

How to know if your Buck Lure/Decoy is wurkin or not...







Yupper...I think it's wurkin !! Thanks to Missy Susan G, who's a huntress in her own right, fer sending that one along....
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...and...I caught the "snow fairy" shoveling my walkway last evening. I then gave my neighbor a hot cup of coffee later when he put some clothes on...


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...and here be the new Microsoft Word for Blonde's.....


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...and finally...How to get Men to Wash their hands in the Men's Room...

Where's Bob Hope..??

...Well Sir...fer all you old GI's, Sailors and Jarhea...er...Marines out there who have ever been overseas for the Christmas Holidays, I'm sure Y'all recall how a great Bob Hope Christmas USO Show (or any USO Show fer that matter) really helped to cheer ya up and even helped ya ferget fer awhile where ya were, and what and who you were missing....

As of late, it has come to light, at least for this old Seabee that over the past couple of years, there have been exceptionally few USO tours in Afghanistan and Iraq for our brave Military personnel...

With the exception of the likes of Toby Keith, Gary Sinise and a very small scattering of others, our troops and their morale have been, by and large, mostly forgotten by the entertainment celebrities who seem to have only their own materialistic desires in mind...

Toby Keith recently appeared on FOX News, and during the interview, stated that on several occasions he has asked other big celebrities to make the trip to Afghanistan or Iraq with him, and they have out and out refused. He was way too kind when asked who they were, and skirted the issue....something I would have dearly liked to know.

I don't know about the rest of you out there, but this just piss's me off!!

To those selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, ego-maniacal, candy-ass, sons a bitch's I say....



...and maybe someday...I'll tell ya how I really feel....

But...fer right now, about the only thing I CAN do is NOT patronize your movies, or TV shows, products you endorse or songs you sing....

Aside frum writing posts like this one, that's about all one person really can do...so I'm hoping a few other of you bloggers out there will pick up this ball and run with it as well....

...and BTW Bob...."Thanks for the Memories" and God Bless ya... (yes..I know he's gone)

If'n y'all would like to contact The USO with a nice letter and a request for them to try and get more shows over there to out troops...go here www.uso.org/contacttheuso/ BE NICE please, they do good work...

Cookie...an old Vietnam era Seabee and "Bubblehead"...

** In case y'all ain't noticed yet, I gets even more cantankerous when I'm sick..**