Sunday Sundries....

Well Sir...I'll begin with the number 1 reason NEVER to fart in a Wetsuit.....

TWENTY THREE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. I knew I was God and she didn't.

2. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

6. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

7. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

8. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

9. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

10. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

11. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

12. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

13. Procrastinate Now!

14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

17.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

18. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

19. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory

20. Ham and eggs is a ½ day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

21. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

22. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

23. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

What is a Sailor....???

Well Sir....I saw this over at Myron's Random Thoughts and found it so accurate that I thought I would re-post it as Myron requested....

Sailors come in all shapes, shades, weights, sizes, and states of sobriety, misery, and confusion.

They are sly as a fox, have the nerve of a dope addict, the sincerity of a politician, and the subtly of Mt. Saint Helen.

They are extremely irresistible, totally irrational and completely indestructible.
A sailor is a sailor all his life.

He is a magical creature.

You can kick him out of your house but not out of your heart.

You can take him off your mailing list but not off your mind. Sailors are found everywhere… in love…in battle… in lust… in trouble…in debt…in bars and … behind them.

No one can write so seldom and yet think so much of you.

No one else can get so much enjoyment out of a letter or clean clothes or a six pack.

A sailor is a genius with a deck of cards.

A millionaire without a cent and brave without a grain of sense. He is the PROTECTOR OF AMERICA, with the latest copy of Playboy in his back pocket.

When he wants something it’s usually 30 days leave, music that hurts the ears, a five dollar bill…or a woman he can count on.

Girls love them, mothers tolerate them, fathers brag about them,
the government pays them, the police watch out for them and somehow they all work together.

You can beat their bodies but not their minds. You can tame their hearts but not their souls.

He likes girls, females, women, ladies, and the opposite sex.

He dislikes small checks, working weekends, answering letters, eating chow, waking up, maintaining a uniform, and the day before payday.

You may as well give in.

He is your long distance lover…he is your steely eyed, warm smiling, blank minded, hyperactive, over reacting, curious, passive, talented spontaneous, physically fit, good for nothing bundle of worry…..

And will always be there for you regardless of how long its been since you’ve last talked.

If you are a sailor or just support them, Repost this.

This was posted over on Rontini’s BBS by Doc Gardner. It was sent to him by a Marine. Doc was a FMF corpman who saw the light and became a submarine corpman.

Some Friday funnies......

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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to >answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
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Ahh yes...a woman after me own heart she is.....

Well Sir...I'm sure "fits" will love this one.....


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WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE HE SAID:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.



Thanks Charlie fer sendin these along t'the Cookie man.....

A Potpourri of humorous photygraffs....some nudity...

...errr...excuse me...can you tell me where the Emergency Room is...I have a thorn in my paw...

"...and in other News...Police are looking for the following man wanted in connection with rape... What...somebody's here for me...the Police...what do they want???"

...How t'tell when yur feet small real bad...

Hmmm...Both tops down...as a cop I never had the opportunity to stop a vehicle like this....**Sigh**

This is so cute...I just had t'post it....

Well Sir...I gotta really thank Sue Gertson frum Texas fer sending the old Cookie this gem.....


Subject: This is funny - the Middle Wife

'Middle Wife' by An Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher...!! (If this isn't the real thing, then someone really has one heck of an imagination!!)

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'MiddleWife' comes along.

The greatest low payin job around fer a man....and maybe some women...

Well Sir...if'n yur a lookin fer a job...here be a rather LOW payin position with a lot a fringe benefits......


Job description: HORSE RIDE ASSISTANT

Job location: Beach in Tambaba

Salary: $5/week

People needed : 3

APPLICANTS (so far) : 6,437,943



Yupper...that would be a great job....BUT...like all jobs...there be a down side....it's great until y'all got a customer like this...then both you and the Horse would suffer....