Well Sir...we'll start with this here "Groooaaner frum "Charlie the Cop"....
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
"Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied,
"It's called a
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day..
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
...and Sarah frum My Wonderful Life send us the...
ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's handalong with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
'Clean my house.'
Women are not stupid.
Fer guys only.....
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the
smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to
One human hair can support 3kg. or 6.6lbs.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13
feet long when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one
Women blink twice as much as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate.
They do the same when you are looking at some one you
Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
You looked at your thumb didn't you?