Subject: Southern Home Security System
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM!!!
1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4) Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of'em in the house. Better wait outside.
_____________________________Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
______________________________Subject: Redneck pick-up lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
...and a Louisiana huntin dog.....
___________________________________The Female Orgasm.....
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contractions"to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young female med student in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.