Saturday, August 04, 2007

DILLIGAF ?...... R-Rated article...language.

Well Sir....Y'all just might be a wonderin just what in the hell is a DILLIGAF. Well's actually not a's a acronym I used many years back while still in my good old Uncle Sam's Yacht Club...and then throughout 21 years in Police work....

In fact I used t'have a real nice hat with DILLIGAF on the front, but some no good sumbitch stole it...probably anuther cop. A course, every now and agin....someone would eventually ask..."What's DILLIGAF?

So...fer all you inquisitive means...DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A F*#K ? However...if'n y'all wanna be a little more politically correct...ya can use the below GAD meter to emphasize yur points....

....I just happened to recall this particular phraseology after readin some articles somewheres about how some Muslim folks were upset bout somethin or anuther havtin to do with not gettin special foot baths, seperate bathrooms and special prayer times and places in our school systems......

Well Sir....DILLIGAF about says it all fer this Cookie....

Feel free to right click on the GAD meter, save it (even you Chief).... and use it later in yur future posts...or if you are a real DILLIGAF type personality and don't mind upsettin some other folks, use the acronym...

Southern home security system.. some sexist observations..and Female Orgasm's....

Subject: Southern Home Security System


1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4) Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of'em in the house. Better wait outside.


Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Subject: Redneck pick-up lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

...and a Louisiana huntin dog.....


The Female Orgasm.....

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contractions"to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young female med student in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

Friday, August 03, 2007

In the "I Love a Happy Ending" department we have this...

Subject: 71-year-old retired Marine, the 2nd Amendment & the right to carry.

"Police investigate the scene."

The 71-year-old retired Marine who opened fire on two robbers at a Plantation Florida sub shop late Wed nesday, killing one and critically wounding the other, is described as a former pilot for two presidents. John Lovell.

"He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he works out everyday.'' Lovell was a man of action Wednesday night. According to Plantation police, two masked gunmen came into the Subway at 1949 N. Pine Rd. just after 11 p.m. There was a lone diner -- Lovell, who was finishing his meal.

After robbing the cashier, the two men attempted to shove Lovell into a bathroom and rob him as well. They got his money. But then Lovell pulled his handgun, opened fire, shooting one of the thieves in the head and chest and the other in the head.

When police arrived, they found one of the men in the shop. K-9 units found the other in the bushes of a nearby business. They also found cash strewn around the front of the sandwich shop. Detective Robert Rettig of the Plantation Police Department. Both men were taken to Broward General Medical Center, where one, Donicio Arrindell, 22, of North Lauderdale died. The other, 21-year-old Frederick Gadson of Fort Lauderdale is in critical but stable condition.

White, a longtime friend of Lovell, was not surprised to hear what happened. ''He'd give you the shirt off his back and he'd be mad if someone tried to take the shirt off your back,'' he said.

White said Lovell worked as a pilot for the Marines, flying former Presidents John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson. He later worked as a pilot for Pan Am and Delta. Lovell is not married and does not have children. He is not expected to be charged, authorities said. ''He was in fear for his life,'' Rettig said. These criminals ought to realize that most men in their 70's have military backgrounds and aren't intimidated by idiots.

Something tells me this old Marine wasn't "in fear" even though his life was definitely at risk. Just waiting. And he better not be charged! More like rewarded. The only thing he could be charged with is partaking in an unfair fight.

One 71 year young Marine against two punks. Two heads and one center body mass shot- good shooting! Even better would have been to double tap them both. Let's hope the scumbag in critical condition kicks.

That'll teach them to get between a Marine and his meal. If not for U.S. Marines and old Seabee's, I would have completely lost hope in America a long time ago.

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending? Semper Fi




Wednesday, August 01, 2007

A question or two..."Stressed out Women-folk.. Kettle math...and L.A. Traffic..

A couple a tough questions fer ya....

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A... Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B... He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C... He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.


1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf_ _ k you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of
self- control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
15. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
16. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
17. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
19. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. Chaos, panic and work here is done.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
27. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
28. Look in my eyes.....Do you see one ounce of give-a-shit?


Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Wednesday Wank's......

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are
having a bad day........

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I
noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having
met you .. I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell
until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to
ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take
this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, West
Virginia & of course Hope Valley )

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?

I 'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your
new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So
we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good pay

Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just
fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going
to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."





How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Sunday Sundries....