Weekend Wanks, and some info important to ALL of us.

When NOT to talk about Golf!!


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Frank Feldman. What a Guy!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate and impeccable, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow."
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Now Sir, on a much more serious note...

DOUG HOFFMAN!! A truly Conservative candidate.

Why is this 23rd Congressional District race important to those living outside NYS. If he's elected, it will help shift the balance of power in Washington, power that the Democrats now hold.

Well Sir, now here be sumthin that Cookie has never done before, run a political commercial. Now, for those of you who know me, Y'all know that I wouldn't be doing this if'n I didn't believe strongly in this man, DOUG HOFFMAN. He is endorsed by many groups, including Fred Thompson, The NYS Right to Life PAC among others. Syndicated columnist Michelle Malkin of Washington DC who realizes the importance of this particular congressional race has been writing several columns regarding Hoffman's merits.

He's a TRUE CONSERVATIVE, not like the RINO that is running against him (who, believe it or not), is endorsed by Nancy Pelosi's people, and certainly not the Democratic candidate for the 23rd Congressional District.



For those of you who are sick and tired of attacks on our 2nd Ammendment rights, babies being murdered in the womb, and all the other BS going on with those out of touch Washington politicians, check out DOUG HOFFMAN at the below link, and if'n y'all would like to help to shift the balance of power in our national government, y'all can check into what Doug stands for and hopefully donate a little sumthin to his campaign. Remember, even if your from out of New York State, the outcome of this Congressional race will affect you!!

http://www.doughoffmanforcongress.com/

Thanks Mates!
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Friday Funnies...

Well Sir, here's hope'n that my blonde daughter Susan don't see this here blonde joke, she hates em.


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Cookie just loves pull'n a good prank on folks, and this is a great one! Gotta Thank my old Seabee buddy "FishinMagician" fer that one, and most of the others.


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Hmmm...I think see an analogy here, what about you?

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'

and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing

went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells

and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,

which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report

by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,

but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets,

bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair

and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize

but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out

how to win two of the most highly coveted awards

on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace

and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
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BREAKING NEWS: This just in!!!

Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!!!
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How to be cruel to old guys like me good mate, "The Chief" and me online bud "Patrick".:

AARP Eye Chart
























Gotta THANK "Sarah", AKA "MightyMom" fer send'n that one.
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If'n Y'all haven't done it already, watch the video in the previous post regard'n ACORN getting it's funding back, PLUS MORE! Guaranteed to get yur panties in a bunch fer sure!!

WTF!!, you won't believe this!!! Thank Our Military. Good video! What a Goal!!

JUST IN!!! This'll get yur panties in a bunch fer sure. Cookies pissed again!!

ACORN gets all its funding back...PLUS!!



Gotta THANK "The Chief" for making us aware of this Congressional fraud!!!
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Saw this over at "Old Soldier's". Thought I'd play it fer Y'all.



I just saw on the evening news that at this time, there about 10,000 home foreclosures A DAY! A portion of these foreclosures are returning heroes, and almost all of them because folks can't find jobs, especially returning Military who have fought and sacrificed for our Freedom. BUY AMERICAN at the below listed site and start help get ALL our folks BACK TO WORK!!

www.madeinusa.com/
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..and wait'll Y'all see this 9 year old's hockey goal...WOW!!! I used to play ice hockey in my younger days here in Syracuse, both junior and senior leagues, having once pl;ayed for the old Syracuse Stars Semi Pro team. I played goalie so I know a GREAT shot when I see one..

Thoisday Thuds....

BTW, fer all you Patriotic folks out there that wanna do sumthin good fer the country, check this site out, www.madeinusa.com/

BUY AMERICAN GOODS ONLY! Put the American workers back to work. Remember, the Holiday Season is just around the corner and some folks won't be have'n a Merry Christmas unless they've got a job!!

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We'll begin with some wurds of wizdum frum "Charlie The Chicago Cop."

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

Now there... doesn't that just touch your heart?
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Chuck Berry, "My Ding-A-Ling". Pay attention mates, quiz to follow...



Now Sir, if'n yur over 55 or so, lets see how many Y'all can get right.

Doo Wop Oldies Quiz

Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!
~
Take the quiz and see how you score as a true ''Oldies Fan.''
Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.
(Answers Below)

Don't cheat, now !
1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4. ''I found my thrill . . .'' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5. ''Please turn on your magic beam,__________ bring me a dream,'':
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8. In Bob by Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are . . ...
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16.. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''.
What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bob by Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh,___________, why can't you be true?''
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline


21. ''Wooly_______''
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . .. . ."
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store

23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . . . .''
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is . . . . . ..''
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's ....''
(a) girl
(b) butt
(c) love

26. ''I want you to play with my .. . . ''
(a) heart
(b) dreams
(c) ding a ling

27. ''Be Bop A Lula .....''
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe

28. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing ...''
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

29. ''He wore black denim trousers and . . .''
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots

30. ''I got a gal named .. . ..''
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney




Answers:

* * * * * * * * * * * *
1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10.. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) butt
26. (c) ding a ling
27. (b) she's my baby
28. (a) right here
29.. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney

Gotta Thank John Keating frum out Michigan way fer submitt'n that quiz...

Wednesday Wanks...

SOME ADULT CONTENT AHEAD!!!

Now Sir, frum what I understand, both "Chicago Charlie" and "The Chief" are in need of this here first product, but I cain't speak fer the second one.




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....and my buddy "Dan" frum out Californy way sends this one...


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee..

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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...and "Charlie The Cop" frum Chi-town sends us....

The Worlds Shortest Books


NEGROS I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
By Tiger Woods
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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
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Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden
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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
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THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
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AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
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A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J.. Kevorkian
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ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
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GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
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HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy
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MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton with introduction
By the Rev. Jesse Jackson

****************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
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When Love fades....

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, " I'll have chicken. Thank you."

“Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
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...and my old High School bud, John Keating frum out Michigan way sent me this great one regardin Deer Camp.


Deer Camp

Mike was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had just told
them he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day
because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his
buddies Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Mike sitting in front of his tent, cocktail in
hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
cocktail to drown my sorrows. Then Melissa snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!
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...and my pal Clint Griffin frum out San Diego way sends us these truism's...

Differences

If a conservative doesn't like guns, they don't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, then no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, they want to ban all meat products for
everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy..
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life.
If a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal wants all churches to be silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his!
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Australian Golf Balls....

Hmmm, gives a whole new mean'n to "play'n through"!



Gotta Thank "Chicago Charlie" fer that one....
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....and speak'n of balls....


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Blonde and her Deodorant

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, because whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!
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Now Sir, The CDC recently instructed us on "How t'keep frum gettin the H1N1 Flu Virus."

FULL NUDITY AHEAD!!!






























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Jackie and Dunlap express their feelin's regard'n the OBO's Nobel Peace Prize.

I received my "Red State Update" t'day and just had t'share it with y'all. After get'n all pissed off regardin the flag desecration (last post), I thought I should put up sumthin with at least a little humor in it!

What'cha might not know is that two good folks who got passed over fer this "prestigious" prize (and are VERY deserving of it), were a freedom fighter in China who stood up to the oppressive regime in that country, and a very brave woman who has been fighting fer women's rights in Afghanistan. DAMN!!


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