An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..
"Go get your mother."
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Now, that thar's funny... I don't care WHO you are
A first-grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses ........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before .......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .......How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................Looks dirty.
7. No news is ...................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ..................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .................Math
10. If you lie down with dogs................you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ..................Me.
12. The pen is mightier than ................the pigs.
13. An idle mind is .......................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who .....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ................not much.
17. Two's company, .......................three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you ...................put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ..............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something ....................only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ..................get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is ......................going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than ........................Pregnant
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Texan walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the Texan says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Subject: Is it Bubba?
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.? Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.? Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them two assholes."