Sunday Sundries......

Well Sir...these here humorous articles were sent t'me by my good amigo and amiga, Sue Gertson and Charley B....

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. "

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills"

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
_________________________

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH?

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and the Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

The group became suddenly quiet.

____________________________

Not for sale

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she wasalways complaining about something. The only time he
got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old
mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade,sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

I just loves Retirement......

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was
a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come
on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a"doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that
he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary
in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important to my health.........

Here's a car commercial I like.....

Well Sir....I don't drive a Ford...but I will salute this commercial....take a few minutes and watch it please. It was sent to me by my good amiga Sue Gertson who had two sons in the Military, and Iraq......

Hmmmm......

Well Sir...here be somemore of that Political Correctness....now ya gotta calls em Appalachian-Americans



I'll just let y'all guess what this here is....



SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
>>> Clean skin.
>>> A winning smile.
>>> That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
>>> "Yes, ma'am."
>>> "Yes, sir."
>>> "Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
>>> "Y'all come back!"
>>> "Well, bless your heart."
>>> "Drop by when you can."
>>> "How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
>>> Humidity
>>> Humidity
>>> Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
>>> The beach
>>> The rivuh
>>> The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
>>> Colorful hi-heel sandals
>>> Strapless sun dresses
>>> Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
>>> Honey
>>> Darlin'
>>> Shugah
>>>
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
>>> Fried Green Tomatoes
>>> Driving Miss Daisy
>>> Steel Magnolias
>>> Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
>>> Red-eye gravy
>>> Grits
>>> Eggs
>>> Country ham
>>> Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
>>> Chawl'stn
>>> S'vanah
>>> Foat Wuth
>>> N'awlins
>>> Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
>>> Men in uniform.
>>> Men in tuxedos
>>> Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
>>> The Mall
>>> The Country Club
>>> The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
>>> Having bad hair and nails
>>> Having bad manners
>>> Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20! .
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast
food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner !
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
--Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
--Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads,

"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!

New York State bureaucracy at it's worst.....

Veteran Dies After Fight for Lottery Winnings

SYRACUSE, N.Y. (April 26) - Wayne Schenk , who fought unsuccessfully to get a $1 million New York State Lottery prize paid in a lump sum so he could use it to treat his cancer, died here on Monday. He was 51.

His death was confirmed by the Baird-Moore Funeral Home. On Jan. 12, Schenk won $1 million playing a $5 scratch-off ticket in the lottery's High Stakes Blackjack game.

Five weeks earlier, he learned that he probably had less than a year to live because of inoperable lung cancer. Mr. Schenk had tried to get lottery officials to give him a lump sum, instead of $50,000 annual installments over 20 years, so he could enter a hospital that specialized in treating advanced cancer.

Lottery officials said they could not alter the rules. He received one installment before he died. Mr. Schenk served in the Army from 1976 to 1980. Last year, he bought a tavern after decades of working at odd jobs in construction, in the Highway Department and at a ski resort. On April 4, Mr. Schenk married his partner, Joan DeClerck, to whom he made plans to leave his winnings, a friend, Nick Pascazi, said.

Ya see....this shit is so typical of the New York State bureaucracy. Seems to this here Cookie that they coulda made an exception just this one time to possibly help save the mans life......

Yet Again.....**Sigh**

From Fox News:

New York Police Search for Gunman Who Shot 2 N.Y. State Troopers, One Fatally

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

MARGARETVILLE, N.Y. — One state trooper was shot to death and another was wounded in this Catskill Mountains community Wednesday as police closed in on a suspect in the shooting of another trooper hours earlier, authorities said.

A spokeswoman for Gov. Eliot Spitzer said one of the troopers died of the injuries. Both had been flown by helicopter to a hospital, said Maureen Tuffey, a spokeswoman for the state police in Albany. She did not describe the extent of their injuries, and neither she nor Spitzer spokeswoman Christine Anderson identified the troopers.

The hunt for the suspect started after Trooper Matthew Gombosi was shot in the torso during a traffic stop in the Margaretville area on Tuesday. Police said his body armor saved him from serious injury.

The shootings in the Margaretville area, about 65 miles southwest of Albany, were the latest in a difficult year for New York State Police.

Three troopers were shot — one fatally — last year by fugitive Ralph "Bucky" Phillips before the jail escapee was captured in September. Another trooper was gunned down by a bank robber in March near Elmira. Last April, a trooper died in a crash near Syracuse while chasing a speeding motorcyclist.

*** As a Retired Police Detective Sergeant....these incidents sadden me every time.***

Many folks been sayin this right along...

FOXNEWS.COM HOME > SCIENCE

Study: Religion Is Good for Kids

Tuesday, April 24, 2007
By Melinda Wenner

Kids with religious parents are better behaved and adjusted than other children, according to a new study that is the first to look at the effects of religion on young child development.
The conflict that arises when parents regularly argue over their faith at home, however, has the opposite effect.

John Bartkowski, a Mississippi State University sociologist and his colleagues asked the parents and teachers of more than 16,000 kids, most of them first-graders, to rate how much self control they believed the kids had, how often they exhibited poor or unhappy behavior and how well they respected and worked with their peers.

The researchers compared these scores to how frequently the children’s parents said they attended worship services, talked about religion with their child and argued abut religion in the home.

The kids whose parents regularly attended religious services — especially when both parents did so frequently — and talked with their kids about religion were rated by both parents and teachers as having better self-control, social skills and approaches to learning than kids with non-religious parents.

But when parents argued frequently about religion, the children were more likely to have problems. “Religion can hurt if faith is a source of conflict or tension in the family,” Bartkowski noted.

Why so good?
Bartkowski thinks religion can be good for kids for three reasons. First, religious networks provide social support to parents, he said, and this can improve their parenting skills. Children who are brought into such networks and hear parental messages reinforced by other adults may also “take more to heart the messages that they get in the home,” he said.

Secondly, the types of values and norms that circulate in religious congregations tend to be self-sacrificing and pro-family, Bartkowski told LiveScience. These “could be very, very important in shaping how parents relate to their kids, and then how children develop in response,” he said.
Finally, religious organizations imbue parenting with sacred meaning and significance, he said.
University of Virginia sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, who was not involved in the study, agrees. At least for the most religious parents, “getting their kids into heaven is more important than getting their kids into Harvard,” Wilcox said.

But as for why religious organizations might provide more of a boost to family life than secular organizations designed to do the same thing, that’s still somewhat of a mystery, said Annette Mahoney, a psychologist at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, also not involved in the research. Mahoney wondered: “Is there anything about religion and spirituality that sets it apart?”

Unanswered questions
Bartkowski points out that one limitation of his study, to be published in the journal Social Science Research, is that it did not compare how denominations differed with regards to their effects on kids.

“We really don’t know if conservative Protestant kids are behaving better than Catholic kids or behaving better than mainline Protestant kids or Jewish kids,” he said.
It’s also possible that the correlation between religion and child development is the other way around, he said. In other words, instead of religion having a positive effect on youth, maybe the parents of only the best behaved children feel comfortable in a religious congregation.

“There are certain expectations about children’s behavior within a religious context, particularly within religious worship services,” he said. These expectations might frustrate parents, he said, and make congregational worship “a less viable option if they feel their kids are really poorly behaved.”

I posted this the other day...but I'll post it agin cause it applies.....

"Ding Dong the Bitch...er...Witch is dead......"

Hoooorah......

Exclusive: O'Donnell Leaving 'The View'
Rosie O'Donnell Is Set to Announce Today Her Departure From 'The View'
//

Rosie O'Donnell will leave "The View" TV show when her contract expires in June, ABC announced today. (ABCNEWS.com)

Exclusive: O'Donnell Leaving 'The View'

April 25, 2007 — Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View." ABC has been unable to come to a contractual agreement with "The View" co-host. As a result, her duties on the show will come to an end mid-June.

The president of daytime programming for the Disney-ABC Television Group, Brian Frons, told ABCNEWS.com, "Going in we knew we would have an amazing year with her, and that anything beyond that would be gravy. But we were willing to take the chance because we understood what a coup it was to entice Ro back to daytime television. So here we are a year later, and while we've tried to come to terms on a deal that would extend her co-hosting duties on 'The View,' we find ourselves unable to agree on some key elements."

According to Barbara Walters, creator and co-executive producer of "The View," the departure is an amicable one.

In a statement, Walters said: "I induced Rosie to come back to television on 'The View' even for just one year. She has given the program new vigor, new excitement and wonderful hours of television. I can only be grateful to her for this year. I am very sad that ABC Daytime could not reach an agreement with her for a second year. We will all miss Rosie on 'The View,' and hope she will be back with us often next season. She remains for me a cherished friend and colleague."
O'Donnell said: "This has been an amazing experience, and one I wouldn't have traded for the world. Working with Barbara, Joy and Elisabeth has been one of the highlights of my career, but my needs for the future just didn't dovetail with what ABC was able to offer me. To all the viewers out there, I just want to say 'thank you' for opening up your hearts and your homes to me this past year. But you can always find me at rosie.com. Here's hoping there's more confetti for all of us going forward."

Frons said: "That's the business, and something we knew was a real possibility the entire time. So we part as friends, and hope that we can entice Rosie back next year to take part in a series of one-hour specials for us like our recent show on Autism. And maybe, if we're lucky, we'll be able to convince her to guest co-host once in a while as well."

Wednesday Wankers......

Well Sir....well begin by simply stating that sometimes...smaller IS better....

...must be a Sheryl Crowe idear...

....ah...ya think it might be time fer a "Bikini wax"...

I told ya I had a bad squirrel problem in my neighborhood...

Man....has she got class or not? ....NOT!

Rosie Grabs Crotch, Tells Trump to "Eat Me"

Rosie O'Donnell unleashed her fury on one of her favorite targets -- Donald Trump -- at a lunch yesterday attended by her boss Barbara Walters ... and a gaggle of high school girls.

"The View's" resident flamethrower was the MC at the luncheon celebrating women in New York media, and took the opportunity to rail against the Donald again, says Page Six, at one point grabbing her crotch and shouting, "Eat me!" -- which made Babwa drop her head and cover her face on the dais.

One attendee called Ro's outburst "inappropriate," given that there were 17 teenage girls in the room, but her rep said, "She's a comedienne. She says things that are provocative."

General Willaim Sherman....

Well Sir....unfortunately, I missed the History Channel's program regardin General Sherman...but years ago I read and learned a couple of his famous quotes....the first being his well known quote that "War is Hell"......and, if'n yur in a war, this next quote makes perfectly good sense and logic.....

"War is cruelty. There is no sense trying to refine it. The crueler it is, the sooner it will be over"

Now Sir...ya can look at this anyway ya want...but it is certainly a lesson that our enemies have learned well. The many beheading video's prove this out...and just look at how the Liberals and Dummycrats are a runnin fer the hills and soundin "Retreat" on the bugle......

Yupper....I definately like this Brit.....

...and I firmly believe this.....

Well Sir....being as old as I am...I been saying this fer years....."We Reap what we Sow"....

Turn yur sound on.....

Now this makes good sense.....

Problem Solved

Put a bird feeder in your yard and fill it with bird seed. It doesn't take long before the birds learn that a free meal is in the offing.

They come by the hundreds. Now, empty the feeder. What happens? No more birds.

Take away the free medical care. Take away the free schooling. Take away the free welfare. Take away the jobs. What happens?

No more illegal aliens. WOW!! What a simple solution!

No need for a border fence at the cost of hundreds of millions of tax dollars.

Guess this Newscaster is frum the City....

Look out fer Black and Gus.....