Well Sir...these here humorous articles were sent t'me by my good amigo and amiga, Sue Gertson and Charley B....
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. "
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills"
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH?
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and the Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
The group became suddenly quiet.
Not for sale
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she wasalways complaining about something. The only time he
got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old
mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade,sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."