...who would you vote fer???
___________________________When Insults Had some Style and Class:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend. . . If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. . . followed by
Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied,
"Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"
Lady Astor also once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Sir Winston, you're drunk!" To which, Winston replied, "Yes, Madam, I am. And you're ugly! But in the morning, I will be sober. And you will still be ugly!"
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the
dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent And that the dog is
a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to
its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into
the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he
asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
In a small town, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she did not want to stay lonely for the rest of her life, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage she went to the mikvah (a ritual bath to cleanse impurities). Then she went home to prepare to light candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.
She then lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for groceries and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar, but he sure comes from an exceptionally smart family."