Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, bob and his
wife Bonnie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
Bob leaned over, touched Bonnie's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Bob's life of celibacy.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
______________________________________ The Duck & the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin! and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
___________________________________John Kerry is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ?
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., Senator John Kerry's
campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's
sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are
issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's
views." Kerry's manager then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and
now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Kerry as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the
money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Kerry's
campaign manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon
and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main isle.
And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that
Senator Kerry was present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While
Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my
favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church,
and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty,
self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. John Kerry is
also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally
witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and
portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow
servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to
put himself in for a medal (including one that does not even exist).
He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He
also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here,
in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply is not to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with,
"But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."