Well Sir...bein Sunday, a day of peace, love and goodwill toward all, Susan Gertson sends us this great, hilarious story regardin.....
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I
please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my
ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on
me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to
call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It
always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his
number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm
calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled
'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I' d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it
is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I
live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the
car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah,'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow
ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers.' I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said,
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to
kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax . I quick ly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
...and CSSSCC frum down Tampa way sends us this actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper!!
Automobile for Sale
1985 Blue Volkswagen
Only 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used.
Never driven hard. Original tyres. Original brakes.
Original fuel and oil.
Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.
Photo attached --- You HAVE to see this.........
**Click To Enlarge**
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium.
With their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the traditional caps, they looked almost ... as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray dur ing the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said,
"GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!" And he walked off stage...
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends.........and GOD BLESS YOU!!!! This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland
THANKS CHARLIE B ...I'm definately postin this one!
....and "Charlie the Cop" frum Chicago sent this one along to us.....
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
Now Sir...here be a few "Cop" Bumper stickers Y'all just might see on an Officer's car. We'll begin with one I had on my personal vehicle.....
Gotta give a Cookshack HAT-TIP to Clint Griffin frum San Diego fer sendin some of these along...
....and, Chittenango, NY Marine Corps League Commandant Loren Davies sent me this here story....
Marine Corps Dog!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told them and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know, one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
“Well, in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders--because no one figured a dog would be eaves-dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running, but all that jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
“I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years, you know) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a bull-shiter ... He never did any of that Marine shit. He was in the Navy!"
...and finally, the closer we get to Memorial Day, the more this song seems to come to my mind. I'm sure you combat Vets will relate......
Here in the Syracuse, NY area, we hold a huge "Watch Fire" at the New York State Fairgrounds where all vets and their families are welcomed. If you don't have one in yur area of the country, contact any of yur local Veterans organizations and see if'n ya can't get one going. It's quite a somber event, promoting cameraderie and understanding, and last year we drew a crowd of almost 10,000.......
Here's to you mates......